Longbeforethecloseofthisaddress，whichweareboundtosaywasofaveryprosycharacterforMr。Pickwick，theSerjeanthadrelapsedintoastateofabstraction。Aftersomeminutes，however，duringwhichhehadreassumedhispen，heappearedtobeagainawareofthepresenceofhisclients。raisinghisheadfromthepaper，hesaid，rathersnappishly，Whoiswithmeinthiscase？
　　Mr。Phunky，SerjeantSnubbin，repliedtheattorney。
　　Phunky，Phunky，saidtheSerjeant，Ineverheardthenamebefore。
　　Hemustbeaveryyoungman。
　　Yes，heisaveryyoungman，repliedtheattorney。Hewasonlycalledtheotherday。Letmesee——hehasnotbeenattheBareightyearsyet。
　　Ah，Ithoughtnot，saidtheSerjeant，inthatsortofpityingtoneinwhichordinaryfolkswouldspeakofaveryhelplesslittlechild。Mr。
　　Mallard，sendroundtoMr——Mr——
　　Phunky’s——HolbornCourt，Gray’sInn，interposedPerker。HolbornCourt，bythebye，isSouthSquarenow。Mr。Phunky，andsayIshouldbegladifhe’dstephere，amoment。
　　Mr。Mallarddepartedtoexecutehiscommission。andSerjeantSnubbinrelapsedintoabstractionuntilMr。Phunkyhimselfwasintroduced。
　　Althoughaninfantbarrister，hewasafull-grownman。Hehadaverynervousmanner，andapainfulhesitationinhisspeech。itdidnotappeartobeanaturaldefect，butseemedrathertheresultoftimidity，arisingfromtheconsciousnessofbeingkeptdownbywantofmeans，orinterest，orconnexion，orimpudence，asthecasemightbe。HewasoverawedbytheSerjeant，andprofoundlycourteoustotheattorney。
　　Ihavenothadthepleasureofseeingyoubefore，Mr。Phunky，saidSerjeantSnubbin，withhaughtycondescension。
　　Mr。Phunkybowed。HehadhadthepleasureofseeingtheSerjeant，andofenvyinghimtoo，withallapoorman’senvy，foreightyearsandaquarter。
　　Youarewithmeinthiscase，Iunderstand？saidtheSerjeant。
　　IfMr。Phunkyhadbeenarichman，hewouldhaveinstantlysentforhisclerktoremindhim：ifhehadbeenawiseone，hewouldhaveappliedhisforefingertohisforehead，andendeavouredtorecollect，whether，inthemultiplicityofhisengagementshehadundertakenthisone，ornot。
　　butashewasneitherrichnorwiseinthissenseatalleventsheturnedred，andbowed。
　　Haveyoureadthepapers，Mr。Phunky？inquiredtheSerjeant。
　　Hereagain，Mr。Phunkyshouldhaveprofessedtohaveforgottenallaboutthemeritsofthecase。butashehadreadsuchpapersashadbeenlaidbeforehiminthecourseoftheaction，andhadthoughtofnothingelse，wakingorsleeping，throughoutthetwomonthsduringwhichhehadbeenretainedasMr。SerjeantSnubbin’sjunior，heturnedadeeperred，andbowedagain。
　　ThisisMr。Pickwick，saidtheSerjeant，wavinghispeninthedirectioninwhichthatgentlemanwasstanding。
　　Mr。PhunkybowedtoMr。Pickwickwithareverencewhichafirstclientmusteverawaken。andagaininclinedhisheadtowardshisleader。
　　PerhapsyouwilltakeMr。Pickwickaway，saidtheSerjeant，and——and——and——hearanythingMr。Pickwickmaywishtocommunicate。Weshallhaveaconsultation，ofcourse。Withthishintthathehadbeeninterruptedquitelongenough，Mr。SerjeantSnubbin，whohadbeengraduallygrowingmoreandmoreabstracted，appliedhisglasstohiseyesforaninstant，bowedslightlyround，andwasoncemoredeeplyimmersedinthecasebeforehim：whicharoseoutofaninterminablelawsuit，originatingintheactofanindividual，deceasedacenturyorsoago，whohadstoppedupapathwayleadingfromsomeplacewhichnobodyevercamefrom，tosomeotherplacewhichnobodyeverwentto。
　　Mr。PhunkywouldnothearofpassingthroughanydooruntilMr。Pickwickandhissolicitorhadpassedthroughbeforehim，soitwassometimebeforetheygotintotheSquare。andwhentheydidreachit，theywalkedupanddown，andheldalongconference，theresultofwhichwas，thatitwasaverydifficultmattertosayhowtheverdictwouldgo。thatnobodycouldpresumetocalculateontheissueofanaction。thatitwasveryluckytheyhadpreventedtheotherpartyfromgettingSerjeantSnubbin。andothertopicsofdoubtandconsolation，commoninsuchapositionofaffairs。
　　Mr。Wellerwasthenrousedbyhismasterfromasweetsleepofanhour’sduration。and，biddingadieutoLowten，theyreturnedtotheCity。
　　[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers：Chapter32[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERXXXIIDESCRIBES，FARMOREFULLYTHANTHECOURTNEWSMAN
　　EVERDID，ABACHELOR’SPARTY，GIVENBYMR。BOBSAWYERATHISLODGINGSIN
　　THEBOROUGH
　　THEREisareposeaboutLantStreet，intheBorough，whichshedsagentlemelancholyuponthesoul。Therearealwaysagoodmanyhousestoletinthestreet：itisabye-streettoo，anditsdulnessissoothing。AhouseinLantStreetwouldnotcomewithinthedenominationofafirst-rateresidence，inthestrictacceptationoftheterm。butitisamostdesirablespotnevertheless。Ifamanwishedtoabstracthimselffromtheworld——toremovehimselffromwithinthereachoftemptation——toplacehimselfbeyondthepossibilityofanyinducementtolookoutofthewindow——heshouldbyallmeansgotoLantStreet。
　　Inthishappyretreatarecolonisedafewclear-starchers，asprinklingofjourneymenbookbinders，oneortwoprisonagentsfortheInsolventCourt，severalsmallhousekeeperswhoareemployedintheDocks，ahandfulofmantua-makers，andaseasoningofjobbingtailors。Themajorityoftheinhabitantseitherdirecttheirenergiestothelettingoffurnishedapartments，ordevotethemselvestothehealthfulandinvigoratingpursuitofmangling。
　　Thechieffeaturesinthestilllifeofthestreetaregreenshutters，lodging-bills，brassdoor-plates，andbell-handles。theprincipalspecimensofanimatednature，thepot-boy，themuffinyouth，andthebaked-potatoman。Thepopulationismigratory，usuallydisappearingonthevergeofquarter-day，andgenerallybynight。HisMajesty’srevenuesareseldomcollectedinthishappyvalley。therentsaredubious。andthewatercommunicationisveryfrequentlycutoff。
　　Mr。BobSawyerembellishedonesideofthefire，inhisfirst-floorfront，earlyontheeveningforwhichhehadinvitedMr。Pickwick。andMr。BenAllentheother。Thepreparationsforthereceptionofvisitorsappearedtobecompleted。Theumbrellasinthepassagehadbeenheapedintothelittlecorneroutsidetheback-parlourdoor。thebonnetandshawlofthelandlady’sservanthadbeenremovedfromthebannisters。therewerenotmorethantwopairsofpattensonthestreet-doormat，andakitchencandle，withaverylongsnuff，burntcheerfullyontheledgeofthestaircasewindow。Mr。BobSawyerhadhimselfpurchasedthespiritsatawinevaultsinHighStreet，andhadreturnedhomeprecedingthebearerthereof，toprecludethepossibilityoftheirdeliveryatthewronghouse。Thepunchwasreadymadeinaredpaninthebed-room。alittletable，coveredwithagreenbaizecloth，hadbeenborrowedfromtheparlour，toplayatcardson。andtheglassesoftheestablishment，togetherwiththosewhichhadbeenborrowedfortheoccasionfromthepublic-house，werealldrawnupinatray，whichwasdepositedonthelandingoutsidethedoor。
　　Notwithstandingthehighlysatisfactorynatureofallthesearrangements，therewasacloudonthecountenanceofMr。BobSawyer，ashesatbythefireside。Therewasasympathisingexpression，too，inthefeaturesofMr。BenAllen，ashegazedintentlyonthecoals。andatoneofmelancholyinhisvoice，ashesaid，afteralongsilence：
　　Well，itisunluckysheshouldhavetakenitinherheadtoturnsour，justonthisoccasion。Shemightatleasthavewaitedtillto-morrow。
　　That’shermalevolence，that’shermalevolence，returnedMr。BobSawyer，vehemently。ShesaysthatifIcanaffordtogiveapartyIoughttobeabletopayherconfounded`littlebill。’
　　Howlonghasitbeenrunning？inquiredMr。BenAllen。Abill，bythebye，isthemostextraordinarylocomotiveenginethatthegeniusofmaneverproduced。Itwouldkeeponrunningduringthelongestlifetime，withouteveroncestoppingofitsownaccord。
　　Onlyaquarter，andamonthorso，repliedMr。BobSawyer。
　　BenAllencoughedhopelessly，anddirectedasearchinglookbetweenthetwotopbarsofthestove。
　　It’llbeadeucedunpleasantthingifshetakesitintoherheadtoletout，whenthosefellowsarehere，won’tit？saidMr。BenAllenatlength。
　　Horrible，repliedBobSawyer，horrible。
　　Alowtapwasheardattheroomdoor。Mr。BobSawyerlookedexpressivelyathisfriend，andbadethetappercomein。whereuponadirtyslipshodgirlinblackcottonstockings，whomighthavepassedfortheneglecteddaughterofasuperannuateddustmaninveryreducedcircumstances，thrustinherhead，andsaid，Please，MisterSawyer，MissisRaddlewantstospeaktoyou。
　　BeforeMr。BobSawyercouldreturnanyanswer，thegirlsuddenlydisappearedwithajerk，asifsomebodyhadgivenheraviolentpullbehind。thismysteriousexitwasnosooneraccomplished，thantherewasanothertapatthedoor——asmartpointedtap，whichseemedtosay，HereIam，andinI’mcoming。
　　Mr。BobSawyerglancedathisfriendwithalookofabjectapprehension，andoncemorecriedComein。
　　Thepermissionwasnotatallnecessary，for，beforeMr。BobSawyerhadutteredthewords，alittlefiercewomanbouncedintotheroom，allinatremblewithpassion，andpalewithrage。
　　Now，Mr。Sawyer，saidthelittlefiercewoman，tryingtoappearverycalm，ifyou’llhavethekindnesstosettlethatlittlebillofmineI’llthankyou，becauseI’vegotmyrenttopaythisafternoon，andmylandlord’sawaitingbelownow。Herethelittlewomanrubbedherhands，andlookedsteadilyoverMr。BobSawyer’shead，atthewallbehindhim。
　　Iamverysorrytoputyoutoanyinconvenience，Mrs。Raddle，saidBobSawyer，deferentially，but——
　　Oh，itisn’tanyinconvenience，repliedthelittlewoman，withashrilltitter。Ididn’twantitparticularbeforetoday。leastways，asithastogotomylandlorddirectly，itwasaswellforyoutokeepitasme。
　　Youpromisedmethisafternoon，Mr。Sawyer，andeverygentlemanashaseverlivedhere，haskepthisword，sir，asofcourseanybodyascallshimselfagentleman，does。Mrs。Raddletossedherhead，bitherlips，rubbedherhandsharder，andlookedatthewallmoresteadilythanever。
　　Itwasplaintosee，asMr。BobSawyerremarkedinastyleofeasternallegoryonasubsequentoccasion，thatshewasgettingthesteamup。
　　Iamverysorry，Mrs。Raddle，saidBobSawyerwithallimaginablehumility，butthefactis，thatIhavebeendisappointedintheCityto-day——ExtraordinaryplacethatCity。Anastonishingnumberofmenalwaysaregettingdisappointedthere。
　　Well，Mr。Sawyer，saidMrs。Raddle，plantingherselffirmlyonapurplecauliflowerintheKidderminstercarpet，andwhat’sthattome，sir？
　　I——I——havenodoubt，Mrs。Raddle，saidBobSawyer，blinkingthislastquestion，thatbeforethemiddleofnextweekweshallbeabletosetourselvesquitesquare，andgoon，onabettersystem，afterwards。
　　ThiswasallMrs。Raddlewanted。ShehadbustleduptotheapartmentoftheunluckyBobSawyer，sobentupongoingintoapassion，that，inallprobability，paymentwouldhaveratherdisappointedherthanotherwise。
　　Shewasinexcellentorderforalittlerelaxationofthekind：havingjustexchangedafewintroductorycomplimentswithMr。R。inthefrontkitchen。
　　Doyousuppose，Mr。Sawyer，saidMrs。Raddle，elevatinghervoicefortheinformationoftheneighbours，doyousupposethatI’ma-goingdayafterdaytoletafellaroccupymylodgingsasneverthinksofpayinghisrent，noreventheverymoneylaidoutforthefreshbutterandlumpsugarthat’sboughtforhisbreakfast，andtheverymilkthat’stookin，atthestreetdoor？Doyousupposeahard-workingandindustriouswomanashaslivedinthisstreetfortwentyyeartenyearovertheway，andnineyearandthreequarterinthisveryhousehasnothingelsetodobuttoworkherselftodeathafteraparceloflazyidlefellars，thatarealwayssmokinganddrinking，andlounging，whentheyoughttobegladtoturntheirhandstoanythingthatwouldhelp’emtopaytheirbills？
　　Doyou——
　　Mygoodsoul，interposedMr。BenjaminAllen，soothingly。
　　Havethegoodnesstokeepyourobservashunstoyourself，sir，Ibeg，
　　saidMrs。Raddle，suddenlyarrestingtherapidtorrentofherspeech，andaddressingthethirdpartywithimpressiveslownessandsolemnity。Iamnotaweer，sir，thatyouhaveanyrighttoaddressyourconversationtome。Idon’tthinkIlettheseapartmentstoyou，sir。
　　No，youcertainlydidnot，saidMr。BenjaminAllen。
　　Verygood，sir，respondedMrs。Raddle，withloftypoliteness。Thenp’raps，sir，you’llconfineyourselftobreakingthearmsandlegsofthepoorpeopleinthehospitals，andkeepyourselftoyourself，sir，ortheremaybesomepersonshereaswillmakeyou，sir。
　　Butyouaresuchanunreasonablewoman，remonstratedMr。BenjaminAllen。
　　Ibegyourparding，youngman，saidMrs。Raddle，inacoldperspirationofanger。Butwillyouhavethegoodnessjusttocallmethatagain，sir？
　　Ididn’tmakeuseofthewordinanyinvidioussense，ma’am，repliedMr。BenjaminAllen，growingsomewhatuneasyonhisownaccount。
　　Ibegyourparding，youngman，demandedMrs。Raddleinalouderandmoreimperativetone。Butwhodoyoucallawoman？Didyoumakethatremarktome，sir？
　　Why，blessmyheart！saidMr。BenjaminAllen。
　　Didyouapplythatnametome，Iaskofyou，sir？interruptedMrs。
　　Raddle，withintensefierceness，throwingthedoorwideopen。
　　Why，ofcourseIdid，repliedMr。BenjaminAllen。
　　Yes，ofcourseyoudid，saidMrs。Raddle，backinggraduallytothedoor，andraisinghervoicetoitsloudestpitch，forthespecialbehoofofMr。Raddleinthekitchen。Yes，ofcourseyoudid！Andeverybodyknowsthattheymaysafelyinsultmeinmyown’ousewhilemyhusbandsitssleepingdown-stairs，andtakingnomorenoticethanifIwasadoginthestreets。
　　HeoughttobeashamedofhimselfhereMrs。Raddlesobbedtoallowhiswifetobetreatedinthiswaybyaparcelofyoungcuttersandcarversoflivepeople’sbodies，thatdisgracesthelodgingsanothersob，andleavingherexposedtoallmannerofabuse。abase，faint-hearted，timorouswretch，that’safraidtocomeup-stairs，andfacetheruffinlycreatures——that’safraid——that’safraidtocome！Mrs。Raddlepausedtolistenwhethertherepetitionofthetaunthadrousedherbetterhalf。and，findingthatithadnotbeensuccessful，proceededtodescendthestairswithsobsinnumerable：
　　whentherecamealouddoubleknockatthestreetdoor：whereuponsheburstintoanhystericalfitofweeping，accompaniedwithdismalmoans，whichwasprolongeduntiltheknockhadbeenrepeatedsixtimes，when，inanuncontrollableburstofmentalagony，shethrewdownalltheumbrellas，anddisappearedintothebackparlour，closingthedoorafterherwithanawfulcrash。
　　DoesMr。Sawyerlivehere？saidMr。Pickwick，whenthedoorwasopened。
　　Yes，saidthegirl，firstfloor。It’sthedoorstraightaforeyou，whenyougetstothetopofthestairs。Havinggiventhisinstruction，thehandmaid，whohadbeenbroughtupamongtheaboriginalinhabitantsofSouthwark，disappeared，withthecandleinherhand，downthekitchenstairs：perfectlysatisfiedthatshehaddoneeverythingthatcouldpossiblyberequiredofherunderthecircumstances。
　　Mr。Snodgrass，whoenteredlast，securedthestreetdoor，afterseveralineffectualefforts，byputtingupthechain。andthefriendsstumbledup-stairs，wheretheywerereceivedbyMr。BobSawyer，whohadbeenafraidtogodown，lestheshouldbewaylaidbyMrs。Raddle。
　　Howareyou？saidthediscomfitedstudent。Gladtoseeyou，——takecareoftheglasses。ThiscautionwasaddressedtoMr。Pickwick，whohadputhishatinthetray。
　　Dearme，saidMr。Pickwick，Ibegyourpardon。
　　Don’tmentionit，don’tmentionit，saidBobSawyer。I’mratherconfinedforroom，here，butyoumustputupwithallthat，whenyoucometoseeayoungbachelor。Walkin。You’veseenthisgentlemanbefore，Ithink？
　　Mr。PickwickshookhandswithMr。BenjaminAllen，andhisfriendsfollowedhisexample。Theyhadscarcelytakentheirseatswhentherewasanotherdoubleknock。
　　Ihopethat’sJackHopkins！saidMr。BobSawyer。Hush。Yes，itis。
　　Comeup，Jack。comeup。
　　Aheavyfootstepwashearduponthestairs，andJackHopkinspresentedhimself。Heworeablackvelvetwaist-coat，withthunder-and-lightningbuttons。andabluestripedshirt，withawhitefalsecollar。
　　You’relate，Jack？saidMr。BenjaminAllen。
　　BeendetainedatBartholomew’s，repliedHopkins。
　　Anythingnew？
　　No，nothingparticular。Ratheragoodaccidentbroughtintothecasualtyward。
　　Whatwasthat，sir？inquiredMr。Pickwick。
　　Onlyamanfallenoutofafourpairofstairs’window——butit’saveryfaircase——veryfaircaseindeed。
　　Doyoumeanthatthepatientisinafairwaytorecover？inquiredMr。Pickwick。
　　No，repliedHopkins，carelessly。No，Ishouldrathersayhewouldn’t。
　　Theremustbeasplendidoperationthough，to-morrow——magnificentsightifSlasherdoesit。
　　YouconsiderMr。Slasheragoodoperator？saidMr。Pickwick。
　　Bestalive，repliedHopkins。Tookaboy’slegoutofthesocketlastweek——boyatefiveapplesandaginger-breadcake——exactlytwominutesafteritwasallover，boysaidhewouldn’tlietheretobemadegameof，andhe’dtellhismotheriftheydidn’tbegin。
　　Dearme！saidMr。Pickwick，astonished。
　　Pooh！That’snothing，thatain’t，saidJackHopkins。Isit，Bob？
　　Nothingatall，repliedMr。BobSawyer。
　　Bythebye，Bob，saidHopkins，withascarcelyperceptibleglanceatMr。Pickwick’sattentiveface，wehadacuriousaccidentlastnight。
　　Achildwasbroughtin，whohadswallowedanecklace。
　　Swallowedwhat，sir？interruptedMr。Pickwick。
　　Anecklace，repliedJackHopkins。Notallatonce，youknow，thatwouldbetoomuch——youcouldn’tswallowthat，ifthechilddid——eh，Mr。Pickwick，ha！ha！Mr。Hopkinsappearedhighlygratifiedwithhisownpleasantry。andcontinued。No，thewaywasthis。Child’sparentswerepoorpeoplewholivedinacourt。Child’seldestsisterboughtanecklace。
　　commonnecklace，madeoflargeblackwoodenbeads。Child，beingfondoftoys，cribbedthenecklace，hidit，playedwithit，cutthestring，andswallowedabead。Childthoughtitcapitalfun，wentbacknextday，andswallowedanotherbead。
　　Blessmyheart，saidMr。Pickwick，whatadreadfulthing！Ibegyourpardon，sir。Goon。
　　Nextday，childswallowedtwobeads。thedayafterthat，hetreatedhimselftothree，andsoon，tillinaweek’stimehehadgotthroughthenecklace——five-and-twentybeadsinall。Thesister，whowasanindustriousgirl，andseldomtreatedherselftoabitoffinery，criedhereyesout，atthelossofthenecklace。lookedhighandlowforit。but，Ineedn’tsay，didn’tfindit。Afewdaysafterwards，thefamilywereatdinner——bakedshoulderofmutton，andpotatoesunderit——thechild，whowasn’thungry，wasplayingabouttheroom，whensuddenlytherewasheardadevilofanoise，likeasmallhailstorm。`Don’tdothat，myboy，’saidthefather。
　　`Iain’tadoin’nothing，’saidthechild。`Well，don’tdoitagain，’saidthefather。Therewasashortsilence，andthenthenoisebeganagain，worsethanever。`Ifyoudon’tmindwhatIsay，myboy，’saidthefather，`you’llfindyourselfinbed，insomethinglessthanapig’swhisper。’
　　Hegavethechildashaketomakehimobedient，andsucharattlingensuedasnobodyeverheardbefore。`Why，dam’me，it’sinthechild！’saidthefather，`he’sgotthecroupinthewrongplace！’`NoIhaven’t，father，’
　　saidthechild，beginningtocry，`it’sthenecklace。Iswallowedit，father。’——Thefathercaughtthechildup，andranwithhimtothehospital：thebeadsintheboy’sstomachrattlingallthewaywiththejolting。andthepeoplelookingupintheair，anddowninthecellars，toseewheretheunusualsoundcamefrom。He’sinthehospitalnow，saidJackHopkins，andhemakessuchadevilofanoisewhenhewalksabout，thatthey’reobligedtomufflehiminawatchman’scoat，forfearheshouldwakethepatients！
　　That’sthemostextraordinarycaseIeverheardof，saidMr。Pickwick，withanemphaticblowonthetable。
　　Oh，that’snothing，saidJackHopkins。isit，Bob？
　　Certainlynot，repliedMr。BobSawyer。
　　Verysingularthingsoccurinourprofession，Icanassureyou，sir，
　　saidHopkins。
　　SoIshouldbedisposedtoimagine，repliedMr。Pickwick。
　　Anotherknockatthedoor，announcedalarge-headedyoungmaninablackwig，whobroughtwithhimascorbuticyouthinalongstock。Thenextcomerwasagentlemaninashirtemblazonedwithpinkanchors，whowascloselyfollowedbyapaleyouthwithaplatedwatchguard。Thearrivalofaprimpersonageincleanlinenandclothbootsrenderedthepartycomplete。Thelittletablewiththegreenbaizecoverwaswheeledout。thefirstinstalmentofpunchwasbroughtin，inawhitejug。andthesucceedingthreehoursweredevotedtovingt-et-unatsixpenceadozen，whichwasonlyonceinterruptedbyaslightdisputebetweenthescorbuticyouthandthegentlemanwiththepinkanchors。inthecourseofwhich，thescorbuticyouthintimatedaburningdesiretopullthenoseofthegentlemanwiththeemblemsofhope：inreplytowhich，thatindividualexpressedhisdecidedunwillingnesstoacceptofanysauceongratuitousterms，eitherfromtheirascibleyounggentlemanwiththescorbuticcountenance，oranyotherpersonwhowasornamentedwithahead。
　　Whenthelastnaturalhadbeendeclared，andtheprofitandlossaccountoffishandsixpencesadjusted，tothesatisfactionofallparties，Mr。
　　BobSawyerrangforsupper，andthevisitorssqueezedthemselvesintocornerswhileitwasgettingready。
　　Itwasnotsoeasilygotreadyassomepeoplemayimagine。Firstofall，itwasnecessarytoawakenthegirl，whohadfallenasleepwithherfaceonthekitchentable。thistookalittletime，and，evenwhenshedidanswerthebell，anotherquarterofanhourwasconsumedinfruitlessendeavourstoimparttoherafaintanddistantglimmeringofreason。Themantowhomtheorderfortheoystershadbeensent，hadnotbeentoldtoopenthem。itisaverydifficultthingtoopenanoysterwithalimpknifeoratwo-prongedfork。andverylittlewasdoneinthisway。Verylittleofthebeefwasdoneeither。andthehamwhichwasalsofromtheGerman-sausageshoproundthecornerwasinasimilarpredicament。However，therewasplentyofporterinatincan。andthecheesewentagreatway，foritwasverystrong。Souponthewhole，perhaps，thesupperwasquiteasgoodassuchmattersusuallyare。
　　Aftersupper，anotherjugofpunchwasputuponthetable，togetherwithapaperofcigars，andacoupleofbottlesofspirits。Then，therewasanawfulpause。andthisawfulpausewasoccasionedbyaverycommonoccurrenceinthissortofplace，butaveryembarrassingonenotwithstanding。
　　Thefactis，thegirlwaswashingtheglasses。Theestablishmentboastedfour。wedonotrecordthecircumstanceasatallderogatorytoMrs。Raddle，forthereneverwasalodging-houseyet，thatwasnotshortofglasses。
　　Thelandlady’sglasseswerelittlethinblownglasstumblers，andthosewhichhadbeenborrowedfromthepublic-houseweregreat，dropsical，bloatedarticles，eachsupportedonahugegoutyleg。Thiswouldhavebeeninitselfsufficienttohavepossessedthecompanywiththerealstateofaffairs。
　　buttheyoungwomanofallworkhadpreventedthepossibilityofanymisconceptionarisinginthemindofanygentlemanuponthesubject，byforciblydraggingeveryman’sglassaway，longbeforehehadfinishedhisbeer，andaudiblystating，despitethewinksandinterruptionsofMr。BobSawyer，thatitwastobeconveyeddown-stairs，andwashedforthwith。
　　Itisaveryillwindthatblowsnobodyanygood。Theprimmanintheclothboots，whohadbeenunsuccessfullyattemptingtomakeajokeduringthewholetimetheroundgamelasted，sawhisopportunity，andavailedhimselfofit。Theinstanttheglassesdisappeared，hecommencedalongstoryaboutagreatpubliccharacter，whosenamehehadforgotten，makingaparticularlyhappyreplytoanothereminentandillustriousindividualwhomhehadneverbeenabletoidentify。Heenlargedatsomelengthandwithgreatminutenessupondiverscollateralcircumstances，distantlyconnectedwiththeanecdoteinhand，butforthelifeofhimhecouldn’trecollectatthatprecisemomentwhattheanecdotewas，althoughhehadbeeninthehabitoftellingthestorywithgreatapplauseforthelasttenyears。
　　Dearme，saidtheprimmanintheclothboots，itisaveryextraordinarycircumstance。
　　Iamsorryyouhaveforgottenit，saidMr。BobSawyer，glancingeagerlyatthedoor，ashethoughtheheardthenoiseofglassesjingling。verysorry。
　　SoamI，respondedtheprimman，becauseIknowitwouldhaveaffordedsomuchamusement。Nevermind。IdaresayIshallmanagetorecollectit，inthecourseofhalf-an-hourorso。
　　Theprimmanarrivedatthispoint，justastheglassescameback，whenMr。BobSawyer，whohadbeenabsorbedinattentionduringthewholetime，saidheshouldverymuchliketoheartheendofit，for，sofarasitwent，itwas，withoutexception，theverybeststoryhehadeverheard。
　　ThesightofthetumblersrestoredBobSawyertoadegreeofequanimitywhichhehadnotpossessedsincehisinterviewwithhislandlady。Hisfacebrightenedup，andhebegantofeelquiteconvivial。
　　Now，Betsy，saidMr。BobSawyer，withgreatsuavity，anddispersing，atthesametime，thetumultuouslittlemobofglassesthegirlhadcollectedinthecentreofthetable：now，Betsy，thewarmwater。bebrisk，there’sagoodgirl。
　　Youcan’thavenowarmwater，repliedBetsy。
　　Nowarmwater！exclaimedMr。BobSawyer。
　　No，saidthegirl，withashakeoftheheadwhichexpressedamoredecidednegativethanthemostcopiouslanguagecouldhaveconveyed。MissisRaddlesaidyouwarn’ttohavenone。
　　Thesurprisedepictedonthecountenancesofhisguestsimpartednewcouragetothehost。
　　Bringupthewarmwaterinstantly——instantly！saidMr。BobSawyer，withdesperatesternness。
　　No。Ican’t，repliedthegirl。MissisRaddlerakedoutthekitchenfireaforeshewenttobed，andlockedupthekittle。
　　Oh，nevermind。nevermind。Praydon’tdisturbyourselfaboutsuchatrifle，saidMr。Pickwick，observingtheconflictofBobSawyer’spassions，asdepictedinhiscountenance，coldwaterwilldoverywell。
　　Oh，admirably，saidMr。BenjaminAllen。
　　Mylandladyissubjecttosomeslightattacksofmentalderangement，
　　remarkedBobSawyerwithaghastlysmile。AndIfearImustgiveherwarning。
　　No，don’t，saidBenAllen。
　　IfearImust，saidBobwithheroicfirmness。I’llpayherwhatI
　　oweher，andgiveherwarningto-morrowmorning。Poorfellow！howdevoutlyhewishedhecould！
　　Mr。BobSawyer’sheart-sickeningattemptstorallyunderthislastblow，communicatedadispiritinginfluencetothecompany，thegreaterpartofwhom，withtheviewofraisingtheirspirits，attachedthemselveswithextracordialitytothecoldbrandyandwater，thefirstperceptibleeffectsofwhichweredisplayedinarenewalofhostilitiesbetweenthescorbuticyouthandthegentlemanintheshirt。Thebelligerentsventedtheirfeelingsofmutualcontempt，forsometime，inavarietyoffrowningsandsnortings，untilatlastthescorbuticyouthfeltitnecessarytocometoamoreexplicitunderstandingonthematter。whenthefollowingclearunderstandingtookplace。
　　Sawyer，saidthescorbuticyouth，inaloudvoice。
　　Well，Noddy，repliedMr。BobSawyer。
　　Ishouldbeverysorry，Sawyer，saidMr。Noddy，tocreateanyunpleasantnessatanyfriend’stable，andmuchlessatyours，Sawyer——very。butImusttakethisopportunityofinformingMr。Gunterthatheisnogentleman。
　　AndIshouldbeverysorry，Sawyer，tocreateanydisturbanceinthestreetinwhichyoureside，saidMr。Gunter，butI’mafraidI
　　shallbeunderthenecessityofalarmingtheneighboursbythrowingthepersonwhohasjustspoken，outo’window。
　　Whatdoyoumeanbythat，sir？inquiredMr。Noddy。
　　WhatIsay，sir，repliedMr。Gunter。
　　Ishouldliketoseeyoudoit，sir，saidMr。Noddy。
　　Youshallfeelmedoitinhalfaminute，sir，repliedMr。
　　Gunter。
　　Irequestthatyou’llfavourmewithyourcard，sir，saidMr。Noddy。
　　I’lldonothingofthekind，sir，repliedMr。Gunter。
　　Whynot，sir？inquiredMr。Noddy。
　　Becauseyou’llstickitupoveryourchimney-piece，anddeludeyourvisitorsintothefalsebeliefthatagentlemanhasbeentoseeyou，sir，
　　repliedMr。Gunter。
　　Sir，afriendofmineshallwaitonyouinthemorning，saidMr。Noddy。
　　Sir，I’mverymuchobligedtoyouforthecaution，andI’llleaveparticulardirectionswiththeservanttolockupthespoons，repliedMr。Gunter。
　　Atthispointtheremainderoftheguestsinterposed，andremonstratedwithbothpartiesontheimproprietyoftheirconduct。onwhichMr。NoddybeggedtostatethathisfatherwasquiteasrespectableasMr。Gunter’sfather。towhichMr。GunterrepliedthathisfatherwastothefullasrespectableasMr。Noddy’sfather，andthathisfather’ssonwasasgoodamanasMr。Noddy，anydayintheweek。Asthisannoucementseemedthepreludetoarecommencementofthedispute，therewasanotherinterferenceonthepartofthecompany。andavastquantityoftalkingandclamouringensued，inthecourseofwhichMr。Noddygraduallyallowedhisfeelingstooverpowerhim，andprofessedthathehadeverentertainedadevotedpersonalattachmenttowardsMr。Gunter。TothisMr。Gunterrepliedthat，uponthewhole，heratherpreferredMr。Noddytohisownbrother。onhearingwhichadmission，Mr。Noddymagnanimouslyrosefromhisseat，andprofferedhishandtoMr。Gunter。Mr。Guntergraspeditwithaffectingfervour。andeverybodysaidthatthewholedisputehadbeenconductedinamannerwhichwashighlyhonourabletobothpartiesconcerned。
　　Now，saidJackHopkins，justtosetusgoingagain，Bob，Idon’tmindsingingasong。AndHopkins，incitedthereto，bytumultuousapplause，plungedhimselfatonceintoTheKing，Godblesshim，whichhesangasloudashecould，toanovelair，compoundedoftheBayofBiscay，andAFroghewould。Thechoruswastheessenceofthesong。and，aseachgentlemansangittothetuneheknewbest，theeffectwasverystrikingindeed。
　　Itwasattheendofthechorustothefirstverse，thatMr。Pickwickhelduphishandinalisteningattitude，andsaid，assoonassilencewasrestored：
　　Hush！Ibegyourpardon。IthoughtIheardsomebodycallingfromup-stairs。
　　Aprofoundsilenceimmediatelyensued。andMr。BobSawyerwasobservedtoturnpale。
　　IthinkIhearitnow，saidMr。Pickwick。Havethegoodnesstoopenthedoor。
　　Thedoorwasnosooneropenedthanalldoubtonthesubjectwasremoved。
　　Mr。Sawyer！Mr。Sawyer！screamedavoicefromthetwo-pairlanding。
　　It’smylandlady，saidBobSawyer，lookingroundhimwithgreatdismay。
　　Yes，Mrs。Raddle。
　　Whatdoyoumeanbythis，Mr。Sawyer？repliedthevoice，withgreatshrillnessandrapidityofutterance。Ain’titenoughtobeswindledoutofone’srent，andmoneylentoutofpocketbesides，andabusedandinsultedbyyourfriendsthatdarestocallthemselvesmen：withouthavingthehouseturnedoutofthewindow，andnoiseenoughmadetobringthefire-engineshere，attwoo’clockinthemorning？——Turnthemwretchesaway。
　　Yououghttobeashamedofyourselves，saidthevoiceofMr。Raddle，whichappearedtoproceedfrombeneathsomedistantbed-clothes。
　　Ashamedofthemselves！saidMrs。Raddle。Whydon’tyougodownandknock’emeveryonedown-stairs？Youwouldifyouwasaman。
　　IshouldifIwasadozenmen，mydear，repliedMr。Raddle，pacifically，butthey’vetheadvantageofmeinnumbers，mydear。
　　Ugh，youcoward！repliedMrs。Raddle，withsupremecontempt。Doyoumeantoturnthemwretchesout，ornot，Mr。Sawyer？
　　They’regoing，Mrs。Raddle，they’regoing，saidthemiserableBob。
　　Iamafraidyou’dbettergo，saidMr。BobSawyertohisfriends。Ithoughtyouweremakingtoomuchnoise。
　　It’saveryunfortunatething，saidtheprimman。Justasweweregettingsocomfortabletoo！Theprimmanwasjustbeginningtohaveadawningrecollectionofthestoryhehadforgotten。
　　It’shardlytobeborne，saidtheprimman，lookinground。Hardlytobeborne，isit？
　　Nottobeendured，repliedJackHopkins。let’shavetheotherverse，Bob。Come，heregoes！
　　No，no，Jack，don’t，interposedBobSawyer。it’sacapitalsong，butIamafraidwehadbetternothavetheotherverse。Theyareveryviolentpeople，thepeopleofthehouse。
　　ShallIstepup-stairs，andpitchintothelandlord？inquiredHopkins，orkeeponringingthebell，orgoandgroanonthestaircase？Youmaycommandme，Bob。
　　Iamverymuchindebtedtoyouforyourfriendshipandgoodnature，Hopkins，saidthewretchedMr。BobSawyer，butIthinkthebestplantoavoidanyfurtherdisputeisforustobreakupatonce。
　　Now，Mr。Sawyer！screamedtheshrillvoiceofMrs。Raddle，arethembrutesgoing？
　　They’reonlylookingfortheirhats，Mrs。Raddle，saidBob。theyaregoingdirectly。
　　Going！saidMrs。Raddle，thrustinghernight-capoverthebanistersjustasMr。Pickwick，followedbyMr。Tupman，emergedfromthesitting-room。
　　Going！whatdidtheyevercomefor？
　　Mydearma’am，remonstratedMr。Pickwick，lookingup。
　　Getalongwithyou，youoldwretch！repliedMrs。Raddle，hastilywithdrawingthenight-cap。Oldenoughtobehisgrandfather，youwillin！You’reworsethananyof’em。
　　Mr。Pickwickfounditinvaintoprotesthisinnocence，sohurrieddown-stairsintothestreet，whitherhewascloselyfollowedbyMr。Tupman，Mr。Winkle，andMr。Snodgrass。Mr。BenAllen，whowasdismallydepressedwithspiritsandagitation，accompaniedthemasfarasLondonBridge，andinthecourseofthewalkconfidedtoMr。Winkle，asanespeciallyeligiblepersontointrustthesecretto，thathewasresolvedtocutthethroatofanygentlemanexceptMr。BobSawyerwhoshouldaspiretotheaffectionsofhissisterArabella。Havingexpressedhisdeterminationtoperformthispainfuldutyofabrotherwithproperfirmness，heburstintotears，knockedhishatoverhiseyes，and，makingthebestofhiswayback，knockeddoubleknocksatthedooroftheBoroughMarketoffice，andtookshortnapsonthestepsalternately，untildaybreak，underthefirmimpressionthathelivedthere，andhadforgottenthekey。
　　Thevisitorshavingalldeparted，incompliancewiththeratherpressingrequestofMrs。Raddle，thelucklessMr。BobSawyerwasleftalone，tomeditateontheprobableeventsofto-morrow，andthepleasuresoftheevening。
　　[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers：Chapter33[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERXXXIIIMR。WELLERTHEELDERDELIVERSSOMECRITICALSENTIMENTS
　　RESPECTINGLITERARYCOMPOSITION。AND，ASSISTEDBYHISSONSAMUEL，PAYS
　　ASMALLINSTALMENTOFRETALIATIONTOTHEACCOUNTOFTHEREVERENDGENTLEMAN
　　WITHTHEREDNOSE
　　THEmorningofthethirteenthofFebruary，whichthereadersofthisauthenticnarrativeknow，aswellaswedo，tohavebeenthedayimmediatelyprecedingthatwhichwasappointedforthetrialofMrs。Bardell’saction，wasabusytimeforMr。SamuelWeller，whowasperpetuallyengagedintravellingfromtheGeorgeandVulturetoMr。Perker’schambersandbackagain，fromandbetweenthehoursofnineo’clockinthemorningandtwointheafternoon，bothinclusive。Notthattherewasanythingwhatevertobedone，fortheconsultationhadtakenplace，andthecourseofproceedingtobeadopted，hadbeenfinallydeterminedon。
　　butMr。Pickwickbeinginamostextremestateofexcitement，perseveredinconstantlysendingsmallnotestohisattorney，merelycontainingtheinquiry，DearPerker。Isallgoingonwell？towhichMr。Perkerinvariablyforwardedthereply，DearPickwick。Aswellaspossible。thefactbeing，aswehavealreadyhinted，thattherewasnothingwhatevertogoon，eitherwellorill，untilthesittingofthecourtonthefollowingmorning。
　　Butpeoplewhogovoluntarilytolaw，oraretakenforciblythere，forthefirsttime，maybeallowedtolabourundersometemporaryirritationandanxiety：andSam，withadueallowanceforthefrailtiesofhumannature，obeyedallhismaster’sbehestswiththatimperturbablegoodhumourandunruffablecomposurewhichformedoneofhismoststrikingandamiablecharacteristics。
　　Samhadsolacedhimselfwithamostagreeablelittledinner，andwaswaitingatthebarfortheglassofwarmmixtureinwhichMr。Pickwickhadrequestedhimtodrownthefatiguesofhismorning’swalks，whenayoungboyofaboutthreefeethigh，orthereabouts，inahairycapandfustianover-alls，whosegarbbespokealaudableambitiontoattainintimetheelevationofanhostler，enteredthepassageoftheGeorgeandVulture，andlookedfirstupthestairs，andthenalongthepassage，andthenintothebar，asifinsearchofsomebodytowhomheboreacommission。
　　whereuponthebarmaid，conceivingitnotimprobablethatthesaidcommissionmightbedirectedtotheteaortablespoonsoftheestablishment，accostedtheboywith：
　　Now，youngman，whatdoyouwant？
　　Isthereanybodyhere，namedSam？inquiredtheyouth，inaloudvoiceoftreblequality。
　　What’sthet’othername？saidSamWeller，lookinground。
　　HowshouldIknow？brisklyrepliedtheyounggentlemanbelowthehairycap。
　　You’reasharpboy，youare，saidMr。Weller。onlyIwouldn’tshowthatweryfineedgetoomuch，ifIwasyou，incaseanybodytookitoff。
　　Whatdoyoumeanbycomin’toahot-el，andaskingarterSam，vithasmuchpolitenessasavildIndian？
　　’Cosanoldgen’l’m’ntoldmeto，repliedtheboy。
　　Whatoldgen’l’m’n？inquiredSam，withdeepdisdain。
　　HimasdrivesaIpswichcoach，andusesourparlour，rejoinedtheboy。Hetoldmeyesterdaymornin’tocometotheGeorgeandWulturthisarternoon，andaskforSam。
　　It’smyfather，mydear，saidMr。Weller，turningwithanexplanatoryairtotheyoungladyinthebar。blessedifIthinkhehardlyknowswotmyothernameis。Vell，youngbrockileysprout，wotthen？
　　Why，then，saidtheboy，youwastocometohimatsixo’clocktoour’ouse，’coshewantstoseeyou——BlueBoar，Leaden’allMarkit。ShallIsayyou’recomin’？
　　Youmaywentureonthat’erestatement，sir，repliedSam。Andthusempowered，theyounggentlemanwalkedaway，awakeningalltheechoesinGeorgeYardashedidso，withseveralchasteandextremelycorrectimitationsofadrover’swhistle，deliveredinatoneofpeculiarrichnessandvolume。
　　Mr。WellerhavingobtainedleaveofabsencefromMr。Pickwick，who，inhisthenstateofexcitementandworrywasbynomeansdispleasedatbeingleftalone，setforth，longbeforetheappointedhour，andhavingplentyoftimeathisdisposal，sauntereddownasfarastheMansionHouse，wherehepausedandcontemplated，withafaceofgreatcalmnessandphilosophy，thenumerouscadsanddriversofshortstageswhoassemblenearthatfamousplaceofresort，tothegreatterrorandconfusionoftheold-ladypopulationoftheserealms。Havingloiteredhere，forhalfanhourorso，Mr。Wellerturned，andbeganwendinghiswaytowardsLeadenhallMarket，throughavarietyofbyestreetsandcourts。Ashewassaunteringawayhissparetime，andstoppedtolookatalmosteveryobjectthatmethisgaze，itisbynomeanssurprisingthatMr。Wellershouldhavepausedbeforeasmallandprint-seller’swindow。butwithoutfurtherexplanationitdoesappearsurprisingthathiseyesshouldhavenosoonerrestedoncertainpictureswhichwereexposedforsaletherein，thanhegaveasuddenstart，smotehisrightlegwithgreatvehemence，andexclaimedwithenergy，Ifithadn’tbeenforthis，Ishouldha’forgotallaboutit，tillitwastoolate！
　　TheparticularpictureonwhichSamWeller’seyeswerefixed，ashesaidthis，wasahighlycolouredrepresentationofacoupleofhumanheartsskeweredtogetherwithanarrow，cookingbeforeacheerfulfire，whileamaleandfemalecannibalinmodernattire：thegentlemanbeingcladinabluecoatandwhitetrousers，andtheladyinadeepredpelissewithaparasolofthesame：wereapproachingthemealwithhungryeyes，upaserpentinegravelpathleadingthereunto。Adecidedlyindelicateyounggentleman，inapairofwingsandnothingelse，wasdepictedassuperintendingthecooking。arepresentationofthespireofthechurchinLanghamPlace，London，appearedinthedistance。andthewholeformedavalentine，ofwhich，asawritteninscriptioninthewindowtestified，therewasalargeassortmentwithin，whichtheshopkeeperpledgedhimselftodisposeof，tohiscountrymengenerally，atthereducedrateofoneandsixpenceeach。
　　Ishouldha’forgotit。Ishouldcertainlyha’forgotit！saidSam。
　　sosaying，heatoncesteppedintothestationer’sshop，andrequestedtobeservedwithasheetofthebestgilt-edgedletter-paper，andahard-nibbedpenwhichcouldbewarrantednottosplutter。Thesearticleshavingbeenpromptlysupplied，hewalkedondirecttowardsLeadenhallMarketatagoodroundpace，verydifferentfromhisrecentlingeringone。Lookingroundhim，hetherebeheldasignboardonwhichthepainter’sarthaddelineatedsomethingremotelyresemblingaceruleanelephantwithanaquilinenoseinlieuoftrunk。RightlyconjecturingthatthiswastheBlueBoarhimself，hesteppedintothehouse，andinquiredconcerninghisparent。
　　Hewon’tbeherethisthreequartersofanhourormore，saidtheyoungladywhosuperintendedthedomesticarrangementsoftheBlueBoar。
　　Werygood，mydear，repliedSam。Letmehaveninepenn’ortho’brandyandwaterluke，andtheinkstand，willyou，miss？
　　Thebrandyandwaterluke，andtheinkstand，havingbeencarriedintothelittleparlour，andtheyoungladyhavingcarefullyflatteneddownthecoalstopreventtheirblazing，andcarriedawaythepokertoprecludethepossibilityofthefirebeingstirred，withoutthefullprivityandconcurrenceoftheBlueBoarbeingfirsthadandobtained，SamWellersathimselfdowninaboxnearthestove，andpulledoutthesheetofgilt-edgedletter-paper，andthehard-nibbedpen。Thenlookingcarefullyatthepentoseethattherewerenohairsinit，anddustingdownthetable，sothattheremightbenocrumbsofbreadunderthepaper，Samtuckedupthecuffsofhiscoat，squaredhiselbows，andcomposedhimselftowrite。
　　Toladiesandgentlemenwhoarenotinthehabitofdevotingthemselvespracticallytothescienceofpenmanship，writingaletterisnoveryeasytask。itbeingalwaysconsiderednecessaryinsuchcasesforthewritertoreclinehisheadonhisleftarm，soastoplacehiseyesasnearlyaspossibleonalevelwiththepaper，whileglancingsidewaysatthelettersheisconstructing，toformwithhistongueimaginarycharacterstocorrespond。
　　Thesemotions，althoughunquestionablyofthegreatestassistancetooriginalcomposition，retardinsomedegreetheprogressofthewriter。andSamhadunconsciouslybeenafullhourandahalfwritingwordsinsmalltext，smearingoutwrongletterswithhislittlefinger，andputtinginnewoneswhichrequiredgoingoververyoftentorenderthemvisiblethroughtheoldblots，whenhewasrousedbytheopeningofthedoorandtheentranceofhisparent。
　　Vell，Sammy，saidthefather。
　　vell，myProoshanBlue，respondedtheson，layingdownhispen。What’sthelastbulletinaboutmother-in-law？
　　Mrs。Vellerpassedawerygoodnight，butisuncommonperwerse，andunpleasantthismornin’。Signeduponoath，T。Veller，Esquire，Senior。
　　That’sthelastvunaswasissued，Sammy，repliedMr。Weller，untyinghisshawl。
　　Nobetteryet？inquiredSam。
　　Allthesymptomsaggerawated，repliedMr。Weller，shakinghishead。
　　Butwot’sthat，you’readoingof？Pursuitofknowledgeunderdifficulties，Sammy？
　　I’vedonenow，saidSamwithslightembarrassment。I’vebeenawritin’。
　　SoIsee，repliedMr。Weller。Nottoanyyoung’ooman，Ihope，Sammy？
　　Why，it’snouseasayin’itain’t，repliedSam。It’sawalentine。
　　Awhat！exclaimedMr。Weller，apparentlyhorror-strickenbytheword。
　　Awalentine，repliedSam。
　　Samivel，Samivel，saidMr。Weller，inreproachfulaccents，Ididn’tthinkyou’dha’doneit。Arterthewarnin’you’vehado’yourfather’swiciouspropensities。arterallI’vesaidtoyouuponthisherewerysubject。
　　arteractiwallyseein’andbein’inthecompanyo’yourownmother-in-law，vichIshouldha’thoughtwosamorallessonasnomancouldneverha’
　　forgottentohisdyin’day！Ididn’tthinkyou’dha’doneit，Sammy，I
　　didn’tthinkyou’dha’doneit！Thesereflectionsweretoomuchforthegoodoldman。HeraisedSam’stumblertohislipsanddrankoffitscontents。
　　Wot’sthematternow？saidSam。
　　Nev’rmind，Sammy，repliedMr。Weller，it’llbeaweryagonizin’
　　trialtomeatmytimeoflife，butI’mprettytough，that’svunconsolation，astheweryoldturkeyremarkedwenthefarmersaidhewosafeerdheshouldbeobligedtokillhimfortheLondonmarket。
　　Wot’llbeatrial？inquiredSam。
　　Toseeyoumarried，Sammy——toseeyouadilludedwictim，andthinkin’
　　inyourinnocencethatit’sallwerycapital，repliedMr。Weller。It’sadreadfultrialtoafather’sfeelin’s，that’ere，Sammy。
　　Nonsense，saidSam。Iain’tagoin’togetmarried，don’tyoufretyourselfaboutthat。Iknowyou’reajudgeofthesethings。Orderinyourpipe，andI’llreadyoutheletter。There！
　　Wecannotdistinctlysaywhetheritwastheprospectofthepipe，ortheconsolatoryreflectionthatafataldispositiontogetmarriedraninthefamilyandcouldn’tbehelped，whichcalmedMr。Weller’sfeelings，andcausedhisgrieftosubside。Weshouldberatherdisposedtosaythattheresultwasattainedbycombiningthetwosourcesofconsolation，forherepeatedthesecondinalowtone，veryfrequently。ringingthebellmeanwhile，toorderinthefirst。Hethendivestedhimselfofhisuppercoat。andlightingthepipeandplacinghimselfinfrontofthefirewithhisbacktowardsit。sothathecouldfeelitsfullheat，andreclineagainstthemantelpieceatthesametime，turnedtowardsSam，and，withacountenancegreatlymollifiedbythesofteninginfluenceoftobacco，requestedhimtofireaway。
　　Samdippedhispenintotheinktobereadyforanycorrections，andbeganwithaverytheatricalair：
　　`Lovely——’
　　Stop，saidMr。Weller，ringingthebell。Adoubleglasso’theinwariable，mydear。
　　Verywell，sir，repliedthegirl。whowithgreatquicknessappeared，vanished，returned，anddisappeared。
　　Theyseemtoknowyourwayshere，observedSam。
　　Yes，repliedhisfather，I’vebeenherebefore，inmytime。Goon，Sammy。
　　`Lovelycreetur，’repeatedSam。
　　’Tain’tinpoetry，isit？interposedhisfather。
　　No，no，repliedSam。
　　Werygladtohearit，saidMr。Weller。Poetry’sunnat’ral。nomanevertalkedpoetry’ceptabeadleonboxin’day，orWarren’sblackin’，orRowland’soil，orsomeo’themlowfellows。neveryouletyourselfdowntotalkpoetry，myboy。Beginagin，Sammy。
　　Mr。Wellerresumedhispipewithcriticalsolemnity，andSamoncemorecommenced，andreadasfollows：
　　`Lovelycreeturifeelmyselfadammed’——
　　Thatain’tproper，saidMr。Weller，takinghispipefromhismouth。
　　No。itain’t`dammed，’observedSam，holdingtheletteruptothelight，it’s`shamed，’there’sablotthere——`Ifeelmyselfashamed。’
　　Werygood，saidMr。Weller。Goon。
　　`Feelmyselfashamed，andcompletelycir——’Iforgetwhatthisherewordis，saidSam，scratchinghisheadwiththepen，invainattemptstoremember。
　　Whydon’tyoulookatit，then？inquiredMr。WellerSoIamalookin’atit，repliedSam，buttheresanotherblot。Here’sa`c，’anda`i，’anda`d。’
　　Circumwented，p’raps，suggestedMr。Weller。
　　No，itain’tthat，saidSam，circumscribed。that’sit。
　　Thatain’tasgoodawordascircumwented，Sammy，saidMr。Weller，gravely。
　　Thinknot？saidSam。
　　Nothin’likeit，repliedhisfather。
　　Butdon’tyouthinkitmeansmore？inquiredSam。
　　Vellp’rapsitisamoretendererword，saidMr。Weller，afterafewmoments’reflection。Goon，Sammy。
　　`Feelmyselfashamedandcompletelycircumscribedinadressin’ofyou，foryouareanicegalandnothin’butit。’
　　That’saweryprettysentiment，saidtheelderMr。Weller，removinghispipetomakewayfortheremark。
　　Yes，Ithinkitisraythergood，observedSam，highlyflattered。
　　WotIlikeinthat’erestyleofwritin’，saidtheelderMr。Weller，is，thatthereain’tnocallin’namesinit，——noWenuses，nornothin’
　　o’thatkind。Wot’sthegoodo’callin’ayoung’oomanaWenusoraangel，Sammy？
　　Ah！what，indeed？repliedSam。
　　Youmightjistaswellcallheragriffin，oraunicorn，oraking’sarmsatonce，whichiswerywellknowntobeacol-lectiono’fabulousanimals，addedMr。Weller。
　　Justaswell，repliedSam。
　　Driveon，Sammy，saidMr。Weller。
　　Samcompliedwiththerequest，andproceededasfollows。hisfathercontinuingtosmoke，withamixedexpressionofwisdomandcomplacency，whichwasparticularlyedifying。
　　`AforeIseeyou，Ithoughtallwomenwasalike。’
　　Sotheyare，observedtheelderMr。Weller，parenthetically。
　　`Butnow，’continuedSam，`nowIfindwhatareg’larsoft-headed，inkred’lousturnipImustha’been。forthereain’tnobodylikeyou，thoughIlikeyoubetterthannothin’atall。’Ithoughtitbesttomakethatraytherstrong，saidSam，lookingup。
　　Mr。Wellernoddedapprovingly，andSamresumed。
　　`SoItaketheprivilidgeoftheday，Mary，mydear——asthegen’l’m’nindifficultiesdid，venhevalkedoutofaSunday，——totellyouthatthefirstandonlytimeIseeyou，yourlikenesswastookonmyhartinmuchquickertimeandbrightercoloursthaneveralikenesswastookbytheprofeelmacheenwichp’rapsyoumayhaveheerdonMarymydearalthoitdoesfinishaportraitandputtheframeandglassoncomplete，withahookattheendtohangitupby，andallintwominutesandaquarter。’。
　　Iamafeerdthatwergesonthepoetical，Sammy，saidMr。Weller，dubiously。
　　Noitdon’t，repliedSam，readingonveryquickly，toavoidcontestingthepoint：
　　`ExceptofmeMarymydearasyourwalentineandthinkoverwhatI’vesaid——MydearMaryIwillnowconclude。’That’sall，saidSam。
　　That’sratherasuddenpullup，ain’tit，Sammy？inquiredMr。Weller。
　　Notabitonit，saidSam。she’llvishtherewosmore，andthat’sthegreatarto’letterwritin’。
　　Well，saidMr。Weller，there’ssomethin’inthat。andIwishyourmother-in-law’udonlyconductherconwersationonthesamegen-teelprinciple。
　　Ain’tyouagoin’tosignit？
　　That’sthedifficulty，saidSam。Idon’tknowwhattosignit。
　　Signit，Veller，saidtheoldestsurvivingproprietorofthatname。
　　Won’tdo，saidSam。Neversignawalentinewithyourownname。
　　Signit`Pickvick，’then，saidMr。Weller。it’sawerygoodname，andaeasyonetospell。
　　Thewerything，saidSam。Icouldendwithawerse。whatdoyouthink？
　　Idon’tlikeit，Sam，rejoinedMr。Weller。Ineverknow’darespectablecoachmanaswrotepoetry，’ceptone，asmadeanaffectin’copyo’wersesthenightaforehewoshungforahighwayrobbery。andhewosonlyaCambervellman，soeventhat’snorule。
　　ButSamwasnottobedissuadedfromthepoeticalideathathadoccurredtohim，sohesignedtheletter，Yourlove-sickPickwick。Andhavingfoldedit，inaveryintricatemanner，squeezedadown-hilldirectioninonecorner：ToMary，Housemaid，atMr。Nupkins’s，Mayor’s，Ipswich，Suffolk。
　　andputitintohispocket，wafered，andreadyfortheGeneralPost。Thisimportantbusinesshavingbeentransacted，Mr。Wellertheelderproceededtoopenthat，onwhichhehadsummonedhisson。
　　Thefirstmatterrelatestoyourgovernor，Sammy，saidMr。Weller。
　　He’sagoin’tobetriedto-morrow，ain’the？
　　Thetrial’sacomin’on，repliedSam。
　　Vell，saidMr。Weller，NowIs’posehe’llwanttocallsomewitnessestospeaktohischaracter，orp’rapstoproveaalleybi。I’vebeenaturnin’
　　thebis’nessoverinmymind，andhemaymakehis-selfeasy，Sammy。I’vegotsomefriendsas’lldoeitherforhim，butmyadwice’udbethishere——nevermindthecharacter，andsticktothealleybi。Nothinglikeaalleybi，Sammy，nothing。Mr。Wellerlookedveryprofoundashedeliveredthislegalopinion。
　　andburyinghisnoseinhistumbler，winkedoverthetopthereof，athisastonishedson。
　　Why，whatdoyoumean？saidSam。youdon’tthinkhe’sagoin’tobetriedattheOldBailey，doyou？
　　Thatain’tnopartofthepresentcon-sideration，Sammy，repliedMr。
　　Weller。Vereverhe’sagoin’tobetried，myboy，aalleybi’sthethingtogethimoff。VegotTomVildsparkoffthat’eremanslaughter，withaalleybi，venallthebigvigstoamansaidasnothingcouldn’tsavehim。
　　Andmy’pinionis，Sammy，thatifyourgovernordon’tproveaalleybi，he’llbewhattheItalianscallreg’larlyflummoxed，andthat’sallaboutit。
　　AstheelderMr。WellerentertainedafirmandunalterableconvictionthattheOldBaileywasthesupremecourtofjudicatureinthiscountry，andthatitsrulesandformsofproceedingregulatedandcontrolledthepracticeofallothercourtsofjusticewhatsoever，hetotallydisregardedtheassurancesandargumentsofhisson，tendingtoshowthatthealibiwasinadmissible。andvehementlyprotestedthatMr。Pickwickwasbeingwictimised。Findingthatitwasofnousetodiscussthematterfurther，Samchangedthesubject，andinquiredwhatthesecondtopicwas，onwhichhisreversedparentwishedtoconsulthim。
　　That’sapointo’domesticpolicy，Sammy，saidMr。Weller。ThishereStiggins——
　　Red-nosedman？inquiredSam。
　　Thewerysame，repliedMr。Weller。Thisherered-nosedman，Sammy，wisitsyourmother-in-lawvithakindnessandconstancyasIneverseeequalled。He’ssitchafriendo’thefamily，Sammy，thatwenhe’savayfromus，hecan’tbecomfortableunlesshehassomethin’torememberusby。
　　AndI’dgivehimsomethin’as’udturpentineandbees’-vaxhismemoryforthenexttenyearsorso，ifIwosyou，interposedSam。
　　Stopaminute，saidMr。Weller。Iwosagoingtosay，healwaysbringsnow，aflatbottleasholdsaboutapintanda-half，andfillsitviththepine-applerumaforehegoesavay。
　　Andemptiesitaforehecomesback，Is’pose？saidSam。
　　Clean！repliedMr。Weller。neverleavesnothin’initbutthecorkandthesmell。trusthimforthat，Sammy。Now，theseherefellows，myboy，areagoin’to-nighttogetupthemonthlymeetin’o’theBrickLaneBrancho’theUnitedGrandJunctionEbenezerTemperanceAssociation。Yourmother-in-lawwosagoin’，Sammy，butshe’sgottherheumatics，andcan’t。andI，Sammy——I’vegotthetwoticketsaswossenther。Mr。Wellercommunicatedthissecretwithgreatglee，andwinkedsoindefatigablyafterdoingso，thatSambegantothinkhemusthavegottheticdoloureuxinhisrighteye-lid。
　　Well？saidthatyounggentleman。
　　Well，continuedhisprogenitor，lookingroundhimverycautiously，youandI’llgo，punctiwaltothetime。Thedeputyshepherdwon’t，Sammy。
　　thedeputyshepherdwon’t。HereMr。Wellerwasseizedwithaparoxysmofchuckles，whichgraduallyterminatedinasnearanapproachtoachokeasanelderlygentlemancan，withsafety，sustain。
　　Well，Ineverseesitchanoldghostinallmyborndays，exclaimedSam，rubbingtheoldgentleman’sback，hardenoughtosethimonfirewiththefriction。Whatareyoualaughin’at，corpilence？
　　Hush！Sammy，saidMr。Weller，lookingroundhimwithincreasedcaution，andspeakinginawhisper：Twofriendso’mine，asworkstheOxfordRoad，andisuptoallkindso’games，hasgotthedeputyshepherdsafeintow，Sammy。andvenhedoescometotheEbenezerJunctionvichhe’ssuretodo：forthey’llseehimtothedoor，andshovehiminifnecessary，he’llbeasfargoneinrumandwateraseverhewosattheMarkiso’Granby，Dorkin’，andthat’snotsayin’alittleneither。Andwiththis，Mr。Welleroncemorelaughedimmoderately，andoncemorerelapsedintoastateofpartialsuffocation，inconsequence。
　　NothingcouldhavebeenmoreinaccordancewithSamWeller’sfeelings，thantheprojectedexposureoftherealpropensitiesandqualitiesofthered-nosedman。anditbeingveryneartheappointedhourofmeeting，thefatherandsontooktheirwayatoncetoBrickLane：Samnotforgettingtodrophisletterintoageneralpost-officeastheywalkedalong。
　　ThemonthlymeetingsoftheBrickLaneBranchoftheUnitedGrandJunctionEbenezerTemperanceAssociation，wereheldinalargeroom，pleasantlyandairilysituatedatthetopofasafeandcommodiousladder。Thepresidentwasthestraight-walkingMr。AnthonyHumm，aconvertedfireman，nowaschoolmaster，andoccasionallyanitinerantpreacher。andthesecretarywasMr。JonasMudge，chandler’sshop-keeper，anenthusiasticanddisinterestedvessel，whosoldteatothemembers。Previoustothecommencementofbusiness，theladiessatuponforms，anddranktea，tillsuchtimeastheyconsidereditexpedienttoleaveoff。andalargewoodenmoney-boxwasconspicuouslyplaceduponthegreenbaizeclothofthebusinesstable，behindwhichthesecretarystood，andacknowledged，withagracioussmile，everyadditiontotherichveinofcopperwhichlayconcealedwithin。
　　Onthisparticularoccasionthewomendrankteatoamostalarmingextent。
　　greatlytothehorrorofMr。Wellersenior，who，utterlyregardlessofallSam’sadmonitorynudgings，staredabouthimineverydirectionwiththemostundisguisedastonishment。
　　Sammy，whisperedMr。Weller，ifsomeo’theseherepeopledon’twanttappin’to-morrowmornin’，Iain’tyourfather，andthat’swotitis。Why，thishereoldladynextmeisadrowndin’herselfintea。