AndthisI’veperseavedinthecorsofmyexpearantsthroughlife，thatwhenyouvexhim，aroag’snolongeraroag：youfindhimoutatonstwhenhe’sinapassion，forheshows，asitware，hisclovenfoottheveryinstntyoutreadonit。Atleast，thisiswhatYOUNGroagsdo;itrequiresverycoolbloodandlongpractistogetoverthispint，andnottoshowyourpashnwhenyoufeelitandsnarlwhenyouareangry。OldCrabswouldn’tdoit;beinglikeanothernoblemin，ofwhomIheardtheDukeofWellingtonsay，whilewaitingbehindhisgraci’schair，thatifyouwerekickinghimfrombehind，noonestandingbeforehimwouldknowit，fromthebewtiflesmilingigspreshnofhisface。Youngmasterhadn’tgotsofarinthethief’sgrammer，and，whenhewasangry，show’dit。Andit’salsotoberemarked（averyprofowndobservatinforafootmin，butwehavei’sthoughweDOwearplushbritchis），it’stoberemarked，Isay，thatoneofthesechapsismuchsoonermaidangrythananother，becausehonestmenyieldtootherpeople，roagsneverdo;
　　honestmenloveotherpeople，roagsonlythemselves;andtheslightestthingwhichcomesinthewayofthirbelovedobjectssetsthemfewrious。Masterhadn’tledalifeofgambling，swindling，andeverykindofdebotchtobegood—temperedattheendofit，I
　　prommisyou。
　　Hewasinapashun，andwhenheWASinapashn，amoreinsalent，insuffrable，overbearingbrootdidn’tlive。
　　Thiswastheverypinttowhichmyladywishedtobringhim;forI
　　musttellyou，thatthoughshehadbeentryingallhermighttosetmasterandtheshevalliaybytheyears，shehadsuxeadedonlysofarastomakethemhateeachprofowndly：butsomehoworother，the2coxwouldn’tFIGHT。
　　Idoan’tthinkDeuceaceeversuspectedanygameonthepartofherladyship，forshecarrieditonsoadmirally，thatthequarlswhichdailytookplacebetwigsthimandtheFrenchmanneverseemedtocomefromher;onthecontry，sheactedasthereglarpease—makerbetweenthem，asI’vejustshowninthetiffwhichtookplaceatthedooroftheSallyMangy。Besides，the2youngmen，thoughreddyenoughtosnarl，werenatrallyunwillingtocometobloes。
　　I’lltellyouwhy：beingfriends，andidle，theyspenttheirmorninsasyoungfashnabblesgenrallydo，atbilliads，fensing，riding，pistle—shooting，orsomesuchimproovingstudy。Inbilliads，masterbeattheFrenchmanhollow（andhadwonapretioussightofmoneyfromhim：butthat’sneitherherenorthere，or，astheFrenchsay，ontrynoo）;atpistle—shooting，mastercouldknockdowneightimmidgesoutoften，andDel’Orgeseven;andinfensing，theFrenchmancouldpinktheHonorableAlgernondownevryoneofhisweskitbuttns。They’deachofthembeenoutmorethanonst，foreveryFrenchmanwillfight，andmasterhadbeenobleag’dtodosointhecorsofhisbisniss;andknowingeachother’scurridg，aswellasthefactthateithercouldputahundridbollsrunningintoahatat30yards，theywairntverywillingtotrysuchexparrymenceupontheirownhatswiththeirownheadsinthem。
　　Soyouseetheykepquiet，andonlygrouldateachother。
　　Butto—dayDeuceacewasinoneofhisthunderingblackhumers;andwheninthiswayhewouldn’tstopformanordevvle。Isaidthathewalkedawayfromtheshevalliay，whohadgivenhimhishandinhissuddenbustofjoyflegood—humor;andwho，Idobleave，wouldhavehugdashe—bear，soveryhappywashe。Masterwalkedawayfromhimpaleandhotty，and，takinghisseatattable，nomoormindidthebrandishmentsofMissGriffin，butonlyrepliedtothemwithapshaw，oradamatoneofusservnts，orabuseofthesoop，orthewine;cussingandswearinglikeatrooper，andnotlikeawell—bredsonofanobleBritishpeer。
　　"Willyourladyship，"sayshe，sliveringoffthewingofapullyallybashymall，"allowmetohelpyou？"
　　"Ithankyou！no;butIwilltroubleMonsieurdel’Orge。"Andtowardsthatgnlmnsheturned，withamosttenderandfasnatingsmile。
　　"YourladyshiphastakenaverysuddenadmirationforMr。del’Orge’scarving。Youusedtolikemineonce。"
　　"Youareveryskilful;butto—day，ifyouwillallowme，Iwillpartakeofsomethingalittlesimpler。"
　　TheFrenchmanhelped;and，beingsohappy，incors，spiltthegravy。Agreatblobofbrownsosspurtedontomaster’schick，andmyandreweddownhisshert—collarandvirging—whiteweskit。
　　"Confoundyou！"sayshe，"M。del’Orge，youhavedonethisonpurpose。"Anddownwenthisknifeandfork，overwenthistumblerofwine，adealofitintopoarMissGriffinseslap，wholookedfritenedandreadytocry。
　　Myladybustintoafitoflaffin，peeluponpeel，asifitwasthebestjoakintheworld。Del’Orgegiggledandgrin’dtoo。
　　"Pardong，"sayshe;"mealpardong，mongsharemunseer。"*Andhelookedasifhewouldhavedoneitagainforapenny。
　　*Inthelongdialogues，wehavegenerallyventuredtochangethepeculiarspellingofourfriendMr。Yellowplush。
　　ThelittleFrenchmanwasquiteinextasis;hefoundhimselfallofasuddnattheverytopofthetrea;andthelaffforonstturnedagainsthisrivle：heactialyhadtheordassatytoproposetomyladyinEnglishtotakeaglassofwine。
　　"Vealyou，"sayshe，inhisjargin，"takeaglasofMaderevizme，miladi？"Andhelookedround，asifhe’digsacklyhittheEnglishmannerandpronunciation。
　　"Withthegreatestpleasure，"saysLadyG。，mostgraciouslynoddingathim，andgazingathimasshedrankupthewine。She’drefusedmasterbefore，andTHISdidn’tincreasehisgood—humer。
　　Well，theywenton，mastersnarling，snapping，andswearing，makinghimself，Imustconfess，asmuchofablaggardasanyIeversee;
　　andmyladyemployinghertimebetwigsthimandtheshevalliay，doingeverythinktoirritatemaster，andflattertheFrenchmn。
　　Desertcame：andbythistime，Misswasstock—stillwithfright，thechevaleerhalftipsywithpleasureandgratafiedvannaty，myladypufficklyraygentwithsmilesandmasterbloowithrage。
　　"Mr。Deuceace，"saysmylady，inamostwinningvoice，afteralittlechaffing（inwhichsheonlyworkedhimupmoarandmoar），"mayItroubleyouforafewofthosegrapes？theylookdelicious。"
　　Foranswer，masterseas’dholdofthegraypdish，andsentitslidingdownthetabletoDel’Orge;upsetting，inhisway，fruit—
　　plates，glasses，dickanters，andheavenknowswhat。
　　"Monsieurdel’Orge，"sayshe，shoutingoutatthetopofhisvoice，"havethegoodnesstohelpLadyGriffin。ShewantedMY
　　grapeslongago，andhasfoundouttheyaresour！"……
　　Therewasadeadpawsofamomentorso……
　　"Ah！"saysmylady，"vousosezm’insulter，devantmesgens，dansmapropremaison——c’estpartropfort，monsieur。"Andupshegot，andflungoutoftheroom。Missfollowedher，screechingout，"Mamma——
　　forGod’ssake——LadyGriffin！"andherethedoorslammedonthepair。
　　HerladyshipdidverywelltospeakFrench。DEL’ORGEWOULDNOT
　　HAVEUNDERSTOODHERELSE;asitwasheheardquiteenough;andasthedoorclikttoo，inthepresentsofme，andMesseersMortimerandFitzclarence，thefamilyfootmen，hewalksroundtomymaster，andhitshimaslapontheface，andsays，"prendsca，menteuretlache！"whichmeans，"Takethat，youliarandcoward！"——raytherstrongigspreshnsforonegenlmntousetoanother。
　　Masterstaggeredbackandlookedbewildered;andthenhegaveakindofascream，andthenhemadearunattheFrenchman，andthenmeandMortimerflungourselvesuponhim，whilstFitzclarenceembracedtheshevalliay。
　　"Ademain！"sayshe，clinchinghislittlefist，andwalkingaway，notverysorrytogitoff。
　　Whenhewasfairlydownstares，weletgoofmaster：whoswallowedagoblitofwater，andthenpawsingalittleandpullouthispus，hepresentedtoMesseersMortimerandFitzclarencealuydoreach。
　　"Iwillgiveyoufivemoreto—morrow，"sayshe，"ifyouwillpromisetokeepthissecrit。"
　　Andthenhewalkedintotheladies。"Ifyouknew，"sayshe，goinguptoLadyGriffin，andspeakingveryslow（incorswewereallatthekeyhole），"thepainIhaveenduredinthelastminute，inconsequenceoftherudenessandinsolenceofwhichIhavebeenguiltytoyourladyship，youwouldthinkmyownremorsewaspunishmentsufficient，andwouldgrantmepardon。"
　　Myladybowed，andsaidshedidn’twishforexplanations。Mr。
　　Deuceacewasherdaughter’sguest，andnothers;butshecertainlywouldneverdemeanherselfbysittingagainattablewithhim。Andsosayingoutsheboltidagain。
　　"Oh！Algernon！Algernon！"saysMiss，inteers，"whatisthisdreadfulmystery——thesefearfulshockingquarrels？Tellme，hasanythinghappened？Where，whereisthechevalier？"
　　Mastersmiledandsaid，"Beundernoalarm，mysweetestMatilda。
　　Del’Orgedidnotunderstandawordofthedispute;hewastoomuchinloveforthat。Heisbutgoneawayforhalfanhour，Ibelieve;
　　andwillreturntocoffee。"
　　Iknewwhatmaster’sgamewas，forifmisshadgotahinklingofthequarrelbetwigsthimandtheFrenchman，weshouldhavehadherscreemingatthe"HotelMirabeu，"andthejuiceandalltopay。Heonlystoptforafewminnitsandcumfittedher，andthendroveofftohisfriend，CaptainBullseye，oftheRifles;withwhom，Ispose，hetalkedoverthisunplesntbisniss。Wefownd，atourhotel，anotefromDel’Orge，sayingwherehisseckndwastobeseen。
　　TwomorningsaftertherewasaparrowgrafinGallynanny’sMessinger，whichIhearbegleaftotranscribe：——
　　"FEARFULDUEL。——Yesterdaymorning，atsixo’clock，ameetingtookplace，intheBoisdeBoulogne，betweentheHon。A。P。D——ce—ce，ayoungersonoftheEarlofCr—bs，andtheChevalierdel’O———。ThechevalierwasattendedbyMajordeM———，oftheRoyalGuard，andtheHon。Mr。D———byCaptainB—lls—ye，oftheBritishRifleCorps。
　　Asfaraswehavebeenabletolearntheparticularsofthisdeplorableaffair，thedisputeoriginatedinthehouseofalovelylady（oneofthemostbrilliantornamentsofourembassy），andthedueltookplaceonthemorningensuing。
　　"Thechevalier（thechallengedparty，andthemostaccomplishedamateurswordsmaninParis）waivedhisrightofchoosingtheweapons，andthecombattookplacewithpistols。
　　"Thecombatantswereplacedatfortypaces，withdirectionstoadvancetoabarrierwhichseparatedthemonlyeightpaces。Eachwasfurnishedwithtwopistols。Monsieurdel’O———firedalmostimmediately，andtheballtookeffectintheleftwristofhisantagonist，whodroppedthepistolwhichheheldinthathand。Hefired，however，directlywithhisright，andthechevalierfelltotheground，wefearmortallywounded。Aballhasenteredabovehiship—joint，andthereisverylittlehopethathecanrecover。
　　"WehaveheardthatthecauseofthisdesperateduelwasablowwhichthechevalierventuredtogivetotheHon。Mr。D。Ifso，thereissomereasonfortheunusualanddeterminedmannerinwhichtheduelwasfought。
　　"Mr。Deu——a—ereturnedtohishotel;whitherhisexcellentfather，theRightHon。EarlofCr—bs，immediatelyhastenedonhearingofthesadnews，andisnowbestowingonhissonthemostaffectionateparentalattention。Thenewsonlyreachedhislordshipyesterdayatnoon，whileatbreakfastwithhisExcellencyLordBobtail，ourambassador。Thenobleearlfaintedonreceivingtheintelligence;
　　butinspiteoftheshocktohisownnervesandhealth，persistedinpassinglastnightbythecouchofhisson。"
　　Andsohedid。"Thisisasadbusiness，Charles，"saysmylordtome，afterseeinghisson，andsettlinghimselfdowninoursalong。
　　"Haveyouanysegarsinthehouse？Andharkye，sendmeupabottleofwineandsomeluncheon。Icancertainlynotleavetheneighborhoodofmydearboy。"
　　CHAPTERVII。
　　THECONSQUINSIES。
　　Theshevalliaydidnotdie，fortheballcameoutofitsownaccord，inthemidstofaviolentfeverandinflamayshnwhichwasbrotonbythewound。Hewaskeptinbedfor6weeksthough，anddidnotrecoverforalongtimeafter。
　　Asformaster，hislot，I’msorrytosay，waswussthanthatofhisadvisary。Inflammationcameontoo;and，tomakeanuglystoryshort，theywereobligedtotakeoffhishandattherist。
　　Heboreit，incors，likeaTrojin，andinamonthhetoowaswell，andhiswoundheel’d;butIneverseeamanlooksolikeadevvleasheusedsometimes，whenhelookeddownatthestump！
　　Tobesure，inMissGriffinseseyes，thisonlyindeerdhimthemor。
　　Shesenttwentynoatsadaytoaskforhim，callinghimherbeloved，herunfortunat，herhero，herwictim，andIdonowhat。
　　I’vekepsomeofthenoats，asItellyou，andcuriouslysentimentletheyare，beatingthesorrowsofMacWhirteralltonothing。
　　OldCrabsusedtocomeoffen，andconsumedapowerofwineandseagarsatourhouse。IbleavehewasatParisbecausetherewasanexycutioninhisownhouseinEngland;andhissonwasasurefind（astheysay）duringhisillness，andcouldn’tdenyhimselftotheoldgenlmn。HiseveninxmylordspentreglaratLadyGriffin’s;
　　where，asmasterwasill，Ididn’tgoanymorenow，andwheretheshevalierwasn’ttheretodisturbhim。
　　"Youseehowthatwomanhatesyou，Deuceace，"saysmylord，oneday，inafitofcander，aftertheyhadbeentalkingaboutLadyGriffin："SHEHASNOTDONEWITHYOUYET，Itellyoufairly。"
　　"Curseher，"saysmaster，inafury，liftinguphismaim’darm——
　　"curseher！butIwillbeevenwithheroneday。IamsureofMatilda：Itookcaretoputthatbeyondthereachofafailure。
　　Thegirlmustmarryme，forherownsake。"
　　"FORHEROWNSAKE！Oho！Good，good！"Mylordliftedhisi’s，andsaidgravely，"Iunderstand，mydearboy：itisanexcellentplan。"
　　"Well，"saysmaster，grinningfearcelyandknowinglyathisexlentoldfather，"asthegirlissafe，whatharmcanIfearfromthefiendofastep—mother？"
　　Mylordonlygevalongwhizzle，and，soonafter，takinguphishat，walkedoff。IsawhimsawnterdownthePlasVandome，andgoinquitecalmlytotheolddoorofLadyGriffinseshotel。Blesshisoldface！suchapufficklygood—natured，kind—hearted，merry，selfisholdscoundrel，Inevershallseeagain。
　　Hislordshipwasquiterightinsayingtomasterthat"LadyGriffinhadn’tdonewithhim。"Nomoarshehad。Butsheneverwouldhavethoughtofthenexgameshewasgoingtoplay，IFSOMEBODYHADN’T
　　PUTHERUPTOIT。Whodid？Ifyouredtheabovepassidge，andsawhowavenrabbleoldgenlmntookhishat，andsauntereddownthePlasVandome（lookinghardandkindatallthenussary—maids——bunstheycalltheminFrance——intheway），Ileaveyoutoguesswhowastheauthorofthenexscheam：awoman，suttnly，neverwouldhavepitchtonit。
　　InthefusspayperwhichIwroteconcerningMr。Deuceace’sadventers，andhiskindbehayviortoMessrs。DawkinsandBlewitt，Ihadthehonoroflayingbeforethepublicaskidewlofmymaster’sdetts，inwitchwasthefollowingitim：
　　"BillsofxchangeandI。O。U。’s，4963L。0s。0d。"
　　TheI。O。U。seweretrifling，sayathowsndpound。Thebillsamountidtofourthowsndmoar。
　　Now，thelorisinFrance，thatifagenlmngivestheseinEngland，andaFrenchgenlmngitstheminanyway，hecanpursewtheEnglishmanwhohasdrawnthem，eventhoughheshouldbeinFrance。
　　Masterdidnotknowthisfact——laboringunderaverycommonmistak，that，whenonstoutofEngland，hemightwissleatallthedebtsheleftbehindhim。
　　MyLadyGriffinsentovertoherslissatorsinLondon，whomadearrangemintswiththepersonswhopossestthefinecollectionofortografsonstamptpaperwhichmasterhadleftbehindhim;andtheyweregladenufftotakeanyoppertunityofgettingbacktheirmoney。
　　Onefinemorning，asIwaslookingaboutinthecourt—yardofourhotel，talkingtotheservant—gals，aswasmyreglarcustom，inordertoimprovemyselfintheFrenchlanguidge，oneofthemcomesuptomeandsays，"Tenez，MonsieurCharles，downbelowintheofficethereisabailiff，withacoupleofgendarmes，whoisaskingforyourmaster——a—t—ildesdettesparhasard？"
　　Iwasstruckallofaheap——thetruthflashtonmymind’shi。
　　"Toinette，"saysI，forthatwasthegal’sname——"Toinette，"saysI，givingherakiss，"keepthemfortwominits，asyouvalyoumyaffeckshn;"andthenIgaveheranotherkiss，andranupstarestoourchambers。Masterhadnowprettywellrecoveredofhiswound，andwasaloudtodriveabowt：itwasluckyforhimthathehadthestrengthtomove。"Sir，sir，"saysI，"thebailiffsareafteryou，andyoumustrunforyourlife。"
　　"Bailiff？"sayshe："nonsense！Idon’t，thankheaven，oweashillingtoanyman。"
　　"Stuff，sir，"saysI，forgettingmyrespeck;"don’tyouowemoneyinEngland？Itellyouthebailiffsarehere，andwillbeonyouinamoment。"
　　AsIspoke，clingcling，lingling，goesthebelloftheantyshamber，andtheretheyweresureenough！
　　Whatwastobedone？Quickaslitening，Ithrowsoffmylivrycoat，clapsmygooldlacehatonmaster’shead，andmakeshimputonmylivry。ThenIwrapsmyselfupinhisdressing—gown，andlollingdownonthesofa，bidshimopenthedor。
　　Theretheywere——thebailiff——twojondarmswithhim——Toinette，andanoldwaiter。WhenToinetteseesmaster，shesmiles，andsays：
　　"Disdonc，Charles！ouestdonctonmaitre？Chezlui，n’est—cepas？C’estlejeuneamonsieur，"saysshe，curtsyingtothebailiff。
　　Theoldwaiterwasjusta—goingtoblurtout，"Maiscen’estpas！"
　　whenToinettestopshim，andsays，"Laissezdoncpassercesmessieurs，vieuxbete;"andintheywalk，the2jond’armstakingtheirpostinthehall。
　　Masterthrowsopenthesalongdoarverygravely，andtouchingMY
　　hatsays，"Haveyouanyordersaboutthecab，sir？"
　　"Why，no，Chawls，"saysI;"Ishan’tdriveoutto—day。"
　　Theoldbailiffgrinned，forheunderstoodEnglish（havinghadplentyofEnglishcustomers），andsaysinFrench，asmastergoesout，"Ithink，sir，youhadbetterletyourservantgetacoach，forIamunderthepainfulnecessityofarrestingyou，aunomdelaloi，forthesumofninety—eightthousandsevenhundredfrancs，owedbyyoutotheSieurJacquesFrancoisLebrun，ofParis;"andhepullsoutanumberofbills，withmaster’sacceptancesonthemsureenough。
　　"Takeachair，sir，"saysI;anddownhesits;andIbegantochaffhim，aswellasIcould，abouttheweather，myillness，mysadaxdent，havinglostoneofmyhands，whichwasstuckintomybusum，andsoon。
　　Atlast，afteraminnitortwo，Icouldcontanenolonger，andbustoutinahorselaff。
　　Theoldfellowturnedquitepail，andbegantosuspectsomethink。
　　"Hola！"sayshe;"gendarmes！amoi！amoi！Jesuisfloue，vole，"
　　whichmeans，inEnglish，thathewasreglarsold。
　　Thejondarmesjumpedintotheroom，andsodidToinetteandthewaiter。Graseflyrisingfrommyarm—chare，Itookmyhandfrommydressing—gownd，and，flingingitopen，stuckuponthechaironeoftheneatestlegseverseen。
　　Ithenpintedmajestickly——towhatdoyouthink？——tomyPLUSH
　　TITES！thosesellabratedinigspressableswhichhaverenderedmefamousinYourope。
　　Takingthehint，thejondarmesandtheservntsrordoutlaffing;
　　andsodidCharlesYellowplush，Esquire，Icantellyou。OldGrippardthebailifflookedasifhewouldfaintinhischare。
　　Iheardakabgallopinglikemadoutofthehotel—gate，andknewthenthatmymasterwassafe。
　　CHAPTERVIII。
　　THEENDOFMR。DEUCEACE’SHISTORY。LIMBO。
　　Mytailisdroringrabidlytoaclose;mysuvvicewithMr。Deuceacedidn’tcontinyouverylongafterthelastchapter，inwhichI
　　describedmyadmiralstrattyjam，andmysinglarself—devocean。
　　There’sveryfewservnts，Icantellyou，who’dhavethoughtofsuchacontrivance，andveryfewmoarwouldhaveeggsycuteditwhenthoughtof。
　　But，afterall，beyondthetriflingadvantichtomyselfinsellingmaster’sroabdesham，whichyou，gentlereader，mayrememberI
　　woar，andindixcoveringafipunnoteinoneofthepockets，——
　　beyondthis，Isay，therewastopoarmasterverylittleadvantichinwhathadbeendone。It’struehehadescaped。Verygood。ButFransisnotlikeGreatBrittin;amaninalivrycoat，with1arm，isprettyeasilyknown，andcaught，too，asIcantellyou。
　　Suchwasthecasewithmaster。HecoodnleaveParis，moarover，ifhewould。Whatwastobecome，inthatcase，ofhisbride——hisunchbackedhairis？Heknewthatyounglady’stemprimong（astheParisherssay）toowelltoletherlongoutofhissite。Shehadninethousandayer。She’dbeeninloveaduzntimesbefor，andmitebeagin。TheHonrabbleAlgernonDeuceacewasalittletoowideawaketotrustmuchtotheconstnsyofsoveryinflammableayoungcreacher。Heavnblessus，itwasamarycleshewasn’tearliermarried！Idobleave（fromsuttnseansthatpastbetwigstus）thatshe’dhavemarriedme，ifshehadn’tbeensejuicedbythesupearorrankandindianuityofthegenlmninwhosesurvaceIwas。
　　Well，touseacomminigspreshn，thebeakswereafterhim。Howwashetomanitch？Hecoodngetawayfromhisdebts，andhewoodenquitthefareobjictofhisaffeckshns。Hewasableejd，then，astheFrenchsay，tolieperdew，——goingoutatnight，likeahowloutofahivy—bush，andreturninginthedaytimetohisroast。ForitsamaxuminFrance（andIwooditwerefollowedinIngland），thatafterdarknomanislibleforhisdetts;andinanyoftheroyalgardens——theTwillaries，thePallyRoil，ortheLucksimbug，forexample——amanmaywanderfromsunrisetoevening，andhearnothingoftheojusdunns：theyan’tadmittedintotheseplacesofpublicenjymentandrondyvooanymorethandogs;thecenturiesatthegarden—gateshavingorderstoshuitallsuch。
　　Master，then，wasinthisuncomfrablesituation——neitherlikingtogonortostay！peepingoutatnightstohaveaninterviewwithhismiss;ableagdtoshuffleoffherrepeatedquestionsastothereasonofallthisdisgeise，andtotalkofhistwothowsndayearjestasifhehaditanddidn’toweashillingintheworld。
　　Ofcourse，now，hebegantogrowmightyeagerforthemarritch。
　　Heroatasmanynoatsasshehaddonebefor;swoaragainstdelayandcerymony;talkedofthepleasuresofHyming，theardshipthattheardoroftwoartsshouldbeallowedtoigspire，thefollyofwaitingfortheconsentofLadyGriffin。Shewasbutastep—
　　mother，andanunkindone。Misswas（hesaid）amajor，mightmarrywhomsheliked;andsuttnlyhadpaidLadyG。quiteasmuchattentionassheought，bypayingherthecomplimenttoaskheratall。
　　Andsotheywenton。Thecuriousthingwas，thatwhenmasterwaspressedabouthiscausefornotcomingouttillnight—time，hewasmisterus;andMissGriffin，whenaskedwhyshewoodenmarry，igsprest，orrather，DIDN’Tigspress，asimlarsecrasy。Wasn’tithard？thecupseemedtobeatthelipofbothof’em，andyetsomehow，theycouldnotmanitchtotakeadrink。
　　Butonemorning，inreplytoamostdespratepistolwrotebymymasterovernight，Deuceace，delighted，gitsananswerfromhissoal’sbeluffd，whichranthus：——
　　MISSGRIFFINTOTHEHON。A。P。DEUCEACE。
　　"DEAREST，——Yousayyouwouldshareacottagewithme;thereisnoneed，luckily，forthat！Youpleadthesadsinkingofyourspiritsatourdelayedunion。Beloved，doyouthinkMYheartrejoicesatourseparation？YoubidmedisregardtherefusalofLadyGriffin，andtellmethatIowehernofurtherduty。
　　"AdoredAlgernon！Icanrefuseyounomore。Iwaswillingnottoloseasinglechanceofreconciliationwiththisunnaturalstep—
　　mother。Respectforthememoryofmysaintedfatherbidmedoallinmypowertogainherconsenttomyunionwithyou：nay，shallI
　　ownit？prudencedictatedthemeasure;fortowhomshouldsheleavetheshareofmoneyaccordedtoherbymyfather’swillbuttomyfather’schild。
　　"Butthereareboundsbeyondwhichnoforbearancecango;and，thankheaven，wehavenoneedoflookingtoLadyGriffinforsordidwealth：wehaveacompetencywithouther。Isitnotso，dearestAlgernon？
　　"Beitasyouwish，then，dearest，bravest，andbest。YourpoorMatildahasyieldedtoyouherheartlongago;shehasnolongerneedtokeepbackhername。Namethehour，andIwilldelaynomore;butseekforrefugeinyourarmsfromthecontumelyandinsultwhichmeetmeeverhere。
　　"MATILDA。
　　"P。S。Oh，Algernon！ifyoudidbutknowwhatanoblepartyourdearfatherhasactedthroughout，indoinghisbestendeavorstofurtherourplans，andtosoftenLadyGriffin！Itisnothisfaultthatsheisinexorableassheis。IsendyouanotesentbyhertoLordCrabs;wewilllaughatitsoon，n’est—cepas？
　　II。
　　"MYLORD，——InreplytoyourdemandforMissGriffin’shand，infavorofyourson，Mr。AlgernonDeuceace，IcanonlyrepeatwhatI
　　beforehavebeenunderthenecessityofstatingtoyou，——thatIdonotbelieveaunionwithapersonofMr。Deuceace’scharacterwouldconducetomystepdaughter’shappiness，andthereforeREFUSEMY
　　CONSENT。IwillbegyoutocommunicatethecontentsofthisnotetoMr。Deuceace;andimploreyounomoretotouchuponasubjectwhichyoumustbeawareisdeeplypainfultome。
　　"Iremainyourlordship’smosthumbleservant，"L。E。GRIFFIN。
　　"THERIGHTHON。THEEARLOFCRABS。"
　　"Hangherladyship！"saysmymaster，"whatcareIforit？"Asfortheoldlordwho’dbeensoafishousinhiskindnessandadvice，masterrecknsiledthatprettywell，withthinkingthathislordshipknewhewasgoingtomarrytenthousandayear，andigspectedtogetsomeshareofit;forheroatbackthefollowinglettertohisfather，aswellasaflamingonetoMiss：
　　"Thankyou，mydearfather，foryourkindnessinthatawkwardbusiness。YouknowhowpainfullyIamsituatedjustnow，andcanprettywellguessBOTHTHECAUSESofmydisquiet。AmarriagewithmybelovedMatildawillmakemethehappiestofmen。Thedeargirlconsents，andlaughsatthefoolishpretensionsofhermother—in—
　　law。Totellyouthetruth，Iwondersheyieldedtothemsolong。
　　Carryyourkindnessastepfurther，andfindforusaparson，alicense，andmakeustwointoone。Wearebothmajor，youknow;sothattheceremonyofaguardian’sconsentisunnecessary。
　　"Youraffectionate"ALGERNONDEUCEACE。
　　"HowIregretthatdifferencebetweenussometimeback！Mattersarechangednow，andshallbemorestillAFTERTHEMARRIAGE。"
　　Iknewwhatmymastermeant，——thathewouldgivetheoldlordthemoneyafterhewasmarried;andasitwasprobblethatmisswouldseetheletterheroat，hemadeitsuchasnottoletherseetwoclearlyintohispresentuncomfrablesituation。
　　ItookthisletteralongwiththetenderoneforMiss，readingbothof’em，incourse，bytheway。Miss，ongettinghers，gaveaninegspressablelookwiththewhiteofheri’s，kisttheletter，andprestittoherbusm。LordCrabsreadhisquitecalm，andthentheyfella—talkingtogether;andtoldmetowaitawhile，andI
　　shouldgitananser。
　　Afteradealofcounseltation，mylordbroughtoutacard，andtherewassimplywrittenonit，To—morrow，attheAmbassador’s，atTwelve。
　　"Carrythatbacktoyourmaster，Chawls，"sayshe，"andbidhimnottofail。"
　　YoumaybesureIsteptbacktohimprettyquick，andgavehimthecardandthemessinge。Masterlookedsattasfiedwithboth;butsuttnlynotoverhappy;nomanisthedaybeforehismarridge;muchmorehismarridgewithahump—back，Harrissthoughshebe。
　　Well，ashewasa—goingtodepartthisbachelorlife，hedidwhateverymaninsuchsuckmstancesoughttodo;hemadehiswill，——thatis，hemadeadispasitionofhisproperty，andwroteletterstohiscreditorstellingthemofhisluckychance;andthatafterhismarridgehewouldsutnlypaythemeverystiver。BEFORE，theymustknowhispovvatywellenoughtobesurethatpaymintwasoutofthequestion。
　　Todohimjustas，heseam’dtobeinclinedtodothethingthatwasright，nowthatitdidn’tputhimtoanyinkinvenientstodoso。
　　"Chawls，"sayshe，handingmeoveratenpun—note，"here’syourwagis，andthankyouforgettingmeoutofthescrapewiththebailiffs：whenyouaremarried，youshallbemyvaletoutofliv’ry，andI’lltrebleyoursalary。"
　　Hisvallit！prapshisbutler！Yes，thoughtI，here’sachance——avallittotenthousandayear。Nothingtodobuttoshavehim，andreadhisnotes，andletmywhiskersgrow;todressinspickandspanblack，andacleanshutperday;muffingseverynightinthehousekeeper’sroom;thepickofthegalsintheservants’hall;achaptocleanmybootsforme，andmymaster’soperabonereglaronceaweek。Iknewwhatavallitwasaswellasanygenlmninservice;andthisIcantellyou，he’sgenrallyahapier，idler，handsomer，morgenlmnlymanthanhismaster。Hehasmoremoneytospend，forgenlmnWILLleavetheirsilverintheirwaistcoatpockets;moresuxessamongthegals;asgooddinners，andasgoodwine——thatis，ifhe’sfriendswiththebutler：andfriendsincorsetheywillbeiftheyknowwhichwaytheirinterestlies。
　　Buttheseareonlycasselsintheair，whattheFrenchcallshutterd’Espang。Itwasn’troatinthebookoffatethatIwastobeMr。
　　Deuceace’svallit。
　　Dayswillpassatlast——evendaysbeforawedding，（thelongistandunpleasantistdayinthewholeofaman’slife，Icantellyou，excep，maybe，thedaybeforehishanging）;andatlengthAroarerdawnedonthesuspiciousmorningwhichwastouniteinthebondsofHymingtheHonrableAlgernonPercyDeuceace，Exquire，andMissMatildaGriffin。Mymaster’swardrobewasn’tsorichasithadbeen;forhe’dleftthewholeofhisnicknaxandtrumpryofdressing—casesandrobdyshams，hisbewtiflemuseumofvarnishedboots，hiscurouscolleckshnofStulzandStaubcoats，whenhehadbeenableagedtoquitsosuddnlyourporedearlodginxattheHotelMirabew;andbeingincogatafriend’shouse，adcontentidhimselfwithordringacoopleofshootsofclovesfromacommontailor，withasuffishntquantatyoflinning。
　　Well，heputonthebestofhiscoats——ablue;andIthoughtitmydutytoaskhimwhetherhe’dwanthisfrockagain：hewasgoodnaturedandsaid，"Takeitandbehangedtoyou。"Half—pasteleveno’clockcame，andIwassenttolookoutatthedoor，iftherewereanysuspiciouscharicters（apreciousgoodnoseIhavetofindabailiffout，Icantellyou，andaniwhichwillalmostseeoneroundacorner）;andpresenlyaverymodestgreenglasscoachdroaveup，andinmasterstept。Ididn’tincorse，appearonthebox;because，beingknown，myappearintsmighthavecompromisedmaster。ButItookashortcut，andwalkedasquickasposbildowntotheRuedeFoburgSt。Honore，wherehisexlnsytheEnglishambasdorlives，andwheremarridgesarealwaysperformedbetwigstEnglishfolkatParis……
　　Thereis，almostnexdoortotheambasdor’shotel，anotherhotel，ofthatlokindwhichtheFrenchcallcabbyrays，orwine—houses;
　　andjestasmaster’sgreenglass—coachpulledup，anothercoachdroveoff，outofwhichcametwoladies，whomIknewprettywell，——
　　suffiz，thatonehadahumpback，andtheingeniousreaderwillknowwhySHEcamethere;theotherwaspoorMissKicksey，whocametoseeherturnedoff。
　　Well，master’sglass—coachdroavup，jestasIgotwithinafewyardsofthedoor;ourcarridge，Isay，droavup，andstopt。Downgitscoachmintoopenthedoor，andcomesItogiveMr。Deuceaceanarm，whenoutofthecabarayshootfourfellows，anddrawupbetwigstthecoachandembassy—doar;twootherchapsgototheotherdoarofthecarridge，and，openingit，onesays——"Rendez—
　　vous，M。Deuceace！Jevousarreteaunomdelaloi！"（whichmeans，"Getoutofthat，Mr。D。;youarenabbedandnomistake。"）Masterturnedgashlypail，andsprungtotheothersideofthecoach，asifaserpinthadstunghim。Heflungopenthedoor，andwasformakingoffthatway;buthesawthefourchapsstandingbetwigstlibbartyandhim。Heslamsdownthefrontwindow，andscreamsout，"Fouettez，cocher！"（whichmeans，"Goit，coachmm！"inadespertloudvoice;butcoachminwoodengoit，andbesideswasoffhisbox。
　　Thelongandshortofthematterwas，thatjestasIcameuptothedoortwoofthebumsjumpedintothecarridge。Isawall;Iknewmyduty，andsoverymornflyIgotupbehind。
　　"Tiens，"saysoneofthechapsinthestreet;"c’estcedrolequinousaflourel’autrejour。"Iknew’em，butwastoomelumcollytosmile。
　　"Ouirons—nousdonc？"sayscoachmintothegenlmnwhohadgotinside。
　　Adeepwoicefromtheintearorshoutedout，inreplytothecoachmin，"ASAINTEPELAGIE！"……
　　Andnow，praps，IottodixcribetoyouthehumorsofthepriznofSaintePelagie，whichistheFrenchforFleat，orQueen’sBentch：
　　butonthissubjectI’mrathershyofwriting，partlybecausetheadmiralBozhas，inthehistoryofMr。Pickwick，madesuchadixcripshunofaprizn，thatminewoodenreadveryamyousinglyafterwids;and，also，because，totellyouthetruth，Ididn’tstaylonginit，beingnotinahumertowaistmyigsistancebypassingawaytheearsofmyyouthinsuchadullplace。
　　Myfusterrintnowwas，asyoumayphansy，tocarryanoatfrommastertohisdestinedbride。Thepoarthingwassadlytakenaback，asIcantellyou，whenshefound，afterremainingtwohoursattheEmbassy，thatherhusbanddidn’tmakehisappearance。Andso，afterstayingonandon，andyetseeingnohusband，shewasforsedatlasttotrudgedishconslithome，whereIwasalreadywaitingforherwithaletterfrommymaster。
　　Therewasnousenowdenyingthefactofhisarrest，andsoheconfestitatonst：buthemadeacock—and—bullstoryoftreacheryofafriend，infimousfodgery，andheavenknowswhat。However，itdidn’tmattermuch;ifhehadtoldherthathehadbeenbetrayedbythemaninthemoon，shewouldhavebleavdhim。
　　LadyGriffinneverusedtoappearnowatanyofmyvisits。Shekeponedrawing—room，andMissdinedandlivedaloneinanother;theyquarldsomuchthatprapsitwasbesttheyshouldliveapart;onlymyLordCrabsusedtoseeboth，comfortingeachwiththatwinningandinnsntwayhehad。HecameinasMiss，intears，waslisningtomyaccountofmaster’sseazure，andhopingthattheprisnwasn’tahorridplace，withanastyhorriddunjeon，andadreadflejailer，andnastyhorridbreadandwater。Lawblessus！shehadborrodherideersfromthenovvlesshehadbeenreading！
　　"Omylord，mylord，"saysshe，"haveyouheardthisfatalstory？"
　　"DearestMatilda，what？Forheaven’ssake，youalarmme！What——
　　yes——no——isit——no，itcan’tbe！Speak！"saysmylord，seizingmebythecholerofmycoat。"Whathashappenedtomyboy？"
　　"Pleaseyou，mylord，"saysI，"he’satthismomentinprisn，nowuss，——havingbeenincarseratedabouttwohoursago。"
　　"Inprison！Algernoninprison！’tisimpossible！Imprisoned，forwhatsum？Mentionit，andIwillpaytotheutmostfarthinginmypower。"
　　"I’msureyourlordshipisverykind，"saysI（recklectingtheseanbetwixgsthimandmaster，whomhewantedtodiddiloutofathowsandlb。）;"andyou’llhehappytohearhe’sonlyinforatrifle。Fivethousandpoundis，Ithink，prettynearthemark。"
　　"Fivethousandpounds！——confusion！"saysmylord，claspinghishands，andlookinguptoheaven，"andIhavenotfivehundred！
　　DearestMatilda，howshallwehelphim？"
　　"Alas，mylord，Ihavebutthreeguineas，andyouknowhowLadyGriffinhasthe——"
　　"Yes，mysweetchild，Iknowwhatyouwouldsay;butbeofgoodcheer——Algernon，youknow，hasamplefundsofhisown。"
　　ThinkingmylordmeantDawkins’sfivethousand，ofwhich，tobesure，agoodlumpwasleft，Iheldmytung;butIcoodenhelpwonderingatLordCrabs’sigstreamcompashnforhisson，andMiss，withher10，000L。ayear，havingonly3guineasisherpockit。
　　Itookhome（blessus，whatahome！）alongandveryinflambleletterfromMiss，inwhichshedixscribedherownsorroratthedisappointment;swoarshelov’dhimonlythemoarforhismisfortns;madelightofthem;asapussonforapaltrysumoffivethousandpoundoughtnevertobecastdown，’speciallyashehadacertainindependenceinview;andvowedthatnothing，nothing，shouldeverinjuicehertopartfromhim，etsettler，etsettler。
　　Itoldmasteroftheconversationwhichhadpastbetwigstmeandmylord，andofhishandsomeoffers，andhishorrowathearingofhisson’sbeingtaken;andlikewisementionedhowstrangeitwasthatMissshouldonlyhave3guineas，andwithsuchafortn：blessus，I
　　shouldhavethotthatshewouldalwayshavecarriedahundredthowsndlb。inherpockit！
　　AtthismasteronlysaidPshaw！Buttherestofthestoryabouthisfatherseemedtodixquiethimagooddeal，andhemademerepeatitoveragin。
　　Hewalkedupanddowntheroomagytated，anditseam’dasifanewlitewasbreakinginuponhim。
　　"Chawls，"sayshe，"didyouobserve——didMiss——didmyfatherseemPARTICULARLYINTIMATEwithMissGriffin？"
　　"Howdoyoumean，sir？"saysI。
　　"DidLordCrabsappearveryfondofMissGriffin？"
　　"Hewassuttnlyverykindtoher。"
　　"Come，sir，speakatonce：didMissGriffinseemveryfondofhislordship？"
　　"Why，totellthetruth，sir，ImustsaysheseemedVERYfondofhim。"
　　"Whatdidhecallher？"
　　"Hecalledherhisdearestgal。"
　　"Didhetakeherhand？"
　　"Yes，andhe——"
　　"Andhewhat？"
　　"Hekisther，andtoldhernottobesowerydown—heartedaboutthemisfortnwhichhadhapndtoyou。"
　　"Ihaveitnow！"sayshe，clinchinghisfist，andgrowinggashlypail——"Ihaveitnow——theinfernaloldhoaryscoundrel！thewicked，unnaturalwretch！Hewouldtakeherfromme！"Andhepouredoutavolleyofoaveswhichareimpossbilltoberepeatidhere。
　　Ithotasmuchlongago：andwhenmylordkemwithhisvizitssopretiousaffeckshntatmyLadyGriffinses，Iexpectedsomesuchgamewasinthewind。Indeed，I’dheardasomethinkofitfromtheGriffinsesservnts，thatmylordwasmightytenderwiththeladies。
　　Onething，however，wasevidenttoamanofhisintleckshalcapassaties;hemusteithermarrythegalatonst，orhestoodverysmallchanceofhavingher。Hemustgetoutoflimboimmediantly，orhisrespectidfathermightbesteppingintohisvaykintshoes。
　　Oh！hesawitallnow——thefustattemptatarest，themarridgefixtat12o’clock，andthebayliffsfixttocomeandintarupthemarridge！——thejewel，praps，betwigsthimandDel’Orge：butno，itwastheWOMANwhodidthat——aMANdon’tdealsuchfowlblows，igspeciallyafathertohisson：awomanmay，poarthing！——she’snoothermeansofreventch，andisusedtofightwithunderhandwepnsallherlifethrough。