Well，whateverthepintmightbe，thisDeuceacesawprettyclearthathe’dbeenbeatbyhisfatherathisowngame——atrappsetforhimonst，whichhadbeendefittedbymypresntsofmind——anothertrapsetafterwids，inwhichmylordhadbeensuxesfle。Now，mylord，roagashewas，wasmuchtoogood—naturedtodoanunkindackshn，mearlyforthesakeofdoingit。He’dgottothatpichthathedidn’tmindinjaries——theywereallfairplaytohim——hegave’em，andreseav’dthem，withoutathoughtofmallis。Ifhewantedtoinjerhisson，itwastobenefickhimself。Andhowwasthistohedone？Bygettingthehairisstohimself，tobesure。
　　TheHonrabbleMr。D。didn’tsayso;butIknewhisfeelinxwellenough——heregrettedthathehadnotgiventheoldgenlmnthemoneyheasktfor。
　　Poarfello！hethoughthehadhitit;buthewaswideofthemarkafterall。
　　Well，butwhatwastobedone？Itwasclearthathemustmarrythegalatanyrate——cootkycoot，astheFrenchsay：thatis，marryher，andhangtheigspence。
　　Todosohemustfirstgitoutofprisn——togetoutofprisnhemustpayhisdebts——andtopayhisdebts，hemustgiveeveryshillinghewasworth。Nevermind：fourthousandpoundisasmallstaketoareglargambler，igspeciallywhenhemustplayit，orrotforlifeinprisn;andwhen，ifheplaysitwell，itwillgivehimtenthousandayear。
　　So，seeingtherewasnohelpforit，hemaiduphismind，andaccordinglywrotethefollyinglettertoMissGriffin：——
　　"MYADOREDMATILDA，——Yourletterhasindeedbeenacomforttoapoorfellow，whohadhopedthatthisnightwouldhavebeenthemostblessedinhislife，andnowfindshimselfcondemnedtospenditwithinaprisonwall！Youknowtheaccursedconspiracywhichhasbroughttheseliabilitiesuponme，andthefoolishfriendshipwhichhascostmesomuch。Butwhatmatters！Wehave，asyousay，enough，eventhoughImustpaythisshamefuldemanduponme;andfivethousandpoundsareasnothing，comparedtothehappinesswhichIloseinbeingseparatedanightfromthee！Courage，however！IfImakeasacrificeitisforyou;andIwereheartlessindeedifIallowedmyownlossestobalanceforamomentagainstyourhappiness。
　　"Isitnotso，belovedone？ISnotyourhappinessboundupwithmine，inaunionwithme？Iamproudtothinkso——proud，too，tooffersuchahumbleproofasthisofthedepthandpurityofmyaffection。
　　"Tellmethatyouwillstillbemine;tellmethatyouwillbeminetomorrow;andto—morrowthesevilechainsshallberemoved，andI
　　willbefreeoncemore——orifbound，onlyboundtoyou！MyadorableMatilda！mybetrothedbride！Writetomeeretheeveningcloses，forIshallneverbeabletoshutmyeyesinslumberuponmyprisoncouch，untiltheyhavebeenfirstblessedbythesightofafewwordsfromthee！Writetome，love！writetome！Ilanguishforthereplywhichistomakeormarmeforever。Youraffectionate"A。P。D。"
　　Havingpolishtoffthisepistol，masterintrustidittometocarry，andbademeatthesametimetotryandgiveitintoMissGriffin’shandalone。IranwithittoLadyGriffinses。IfoundMiss，asIdesired，inasollatarycondition;andIpresentedherwithmaster’spafewmedBilly。
　　Shereadit，andthenumberofsizetowhichshegavevint，andthetearswhichsheshed，beggardigscription。ShewepandsigheduntilIthoughtshewouldbust。Sheevenclasptmyhandinher’s，andsaid，"OCharles！ishevery，verymiserable？"
　　"Heis，ma’am，"saysI;"verymiserableindeed——nobody，uponmyhonor，couldbemiserablerer。"
　　Onhearingthispetheticremark，hermindwasmadeupatonst：andsittingdowntohereskrewtaw，sheimmediantlyableagedmasterwithananswer。Hereitisinblackandwhite：
　　"Myprisonedbirdshallpinenomore，butflyhometoitsnestinthesearms！AdoredAlgernon，Iwillmeettheeto—morrow，atthesameplace，atthesamehour。Then，then，itwillbeimpossibleforaughtbutdeathtodivideus。
　　"M。G。"
　　Thiskindofflumrystylecomes，yousee，ofreadingnovvles，andcultivatinglitterypurshuitsinasmallway。Howmuchbetterisittobepufficklyignorantofthehartofwriting，andtotrusttothewritingoftheheart。ThisisMYstyle：artyfizIdespise，andtrustcompleatlytonatur：butrevnonganomootong，asourcontinentialfriendsremark：tothatnicewhitesheep，AlgernonPercyDeuceace，Exquire;thatwenrabbleoldram，myLordCrabshisfather;andthattenderanddellygityounglamb，MissMatildaGriffin。
　　Shehadjustfoaldedupintoitspropertriangularshapethenoattranscribedabuff，andIwasjustonthepointofsaying，accordingtomymaster’sorders，"Miss，ifyouplease，theHonrabbleMr。
　　Deuceacewouldbeverymuchableagedtoyoutokeeptheseminarywhichistotakeplaceto—morrowaprofoundse——，"whenmymaster’sfatherentered，andIfellbacktothedoor。Miss，withoutaword，rushtintohisarms，burstintoteersagin，aswasherreglarway（itmustbeconfestshewasofaverymistconstitution），andshowingtohimhisson’snote，cried，"Look，mydearlord，hownoblyyourAlgernon，OURAlgernon，writestome。Whocandoubt，afterthis，ofthepurityofhismatchlessaffection？"
　　Mylordtooktheletter，readit，seamedagooddealamyoused，andreturningittoitsowner，said，verymuchtomysurprise，"MydearMissGriffin，hecertainlydoesseeminearnest;andifyouchoosetomakethismatchwithouttheconsentofyourmother—in—law，youknowtheconsequence，andareofcourseyourownmistress。"
　　"Consequences！——forshame，mylord！Alittlemoney，moreorless，whatmattersittotwoheartslikeours？"
　　"Heartsareveryprettythings，mysweetyounglady，butThree—per—
　　Centsarebetter。"
　　"Nay，havewenotanampleincomeofourown，withouttheaidofLadyGriffin？"
　　Mylordshruggedhisshoulders。"Beitso，mylove，"sayshe。
　　"I’msureIcanhavenootherreasontopreventaunionwhichisfoundeduponsuchdisinterestedaffection。"
　　Andheretheconversationdropt。Missretired，claspingherhands，andmakingplaywiththewhitesofheri’s。Mylordbegantrottingupanddowntheroom，withhisfathandsstuckinhisbritchispockits，hiscountnincelightedupwithigstreamjoy，andsinging，tomyinordnitigstonishment：
　　"Seetheconqueringherocomes！
　　Tiddydiddydoll——tiddydoll，doll，doll。"
　　Hebegansingingthissong，andtearingupanddowntheroomlikemad。Istoodamazd——anewlightbrokeinuponme。Hewasn’tgoing，then，tomakelovetoMissGriffin！Mastermightmarryher！
　　Hadshenotgotthefor——？
　　Isay，Iwasjuststandingstockstill，myeyesfixt，myhandspuppindicklar，mymoufwideopenandtheseigstrordinarythoughtspassinginmymind，whenmylordhavinggottothelast"doll"ofhissong，justasIcametothesillible"for"ofmyventriloquism，orinwardspeech——wehadeatchjestreachedthepintdigscribed，whenthemeditationsofbothweresudnlystopt，bymylord，inthemidstofhissinginandtrottinmatch，comingboltupaginstpoarme，sendingmeupaginstoneendoftheroom，himselfflyingbacktotheother：anditwasonlyafterconsidrabbleagitationthatwewereatlengthrestoredtoanythinglikealiquilibrium。
　　"What，YOUhere，youinfernalrascal？"saysmylord。
　　"Yourlordship’sverykindtonotusme，"saysI;"Iamhere。"AndIgavehimalook。
　　HesawIknewthewholegame。
　　Andafterwhislingabit，aswashishabitwhenpuzzled（Ibleavehe’dhaveonlywhisledifhehadbeentoldhewastobehangedinfiveminits），afterwhislingabit，hestopssudnly，andcominguptome，says：
　　"Hearkye，Charles，thismarriagemusttakeplaceto—morrow。"
　　"Mustit，sir？"saysI;"now，formypart，Idon’tthink——"
　　"Stop，mygoodfellow;ifitdoesnottakeplace，whatdoyougain？"
　　Thisstagger’dme。Ifitdidn’ttakeplace，Ionlylostasituation，formasterhadbutjustenoughmoneytopayhisdetts;
　　anditwoodensootmybooktoservehiminprisnorstarving。
　　"Well，"saysmylord，"youseetheforceofmyargument。Now，lookhere！"andhelugsoutacrisp，fluttering，snowyHUNDRED—PUNNOTE！
　　"IfmysonandMissGriffinaremarriedto—morrow，youshallhavethis;andIwill，moreover，takeyouintomyservice，andgiveyoudoubleyourpresentwages。"
　　Fleshandbloodcoodenbearit。"Mylord，"saysI，layingmyhanduponmybusm，"onlygivemesecurity，andI’myoursforever。"
　　Theoldnoblemingrin’d，andpattidmeontheshoulder。"Right，mylad，"sayshe，"right——you’reanicepromisingyouth。Hereisthebestsecurity。"Andhepullsouthispockit—book，returnsthehundred—punbill，andtakesoutoneforfifty。"Hereishalfto—
　　day;to—morrowyoushallhavetheremainder。"
　　MyfingerstrembledalittleasItooktheprettyflutteringbitofpaper，aboutfivetimesasbigasanysumofmoneyIhadeverhadinmylife。Icastmyiupontheamount：itwasafiftysureenough——abankposs—bill，madepayabletoLeonoraEmiliaGriffin，andindorsedbyher。Thecatwasoutofthebag。Now，gentlereader，Isposeyoubegintoseethegame。
　　"Recollect，fromthisdayyouareinmyservice。"
　　"Mylord，youoverpoarmewithyourfaviors。"
　　"Gotothedevil，sir，"sayshe："doyourduty，andholdyourtongue。"
　　AndthusIwentfromtheserviceoftheHonorabbleAlgernonDeuceacetothatofhisexlnsytheRightHonorabbleEarlofCrabs……
　　Ongoingbacktoprisn，IfoundDeuceacelockedupinthatoajusplacetowhichhisigstravygansieshaddeservedlyledhim;andfeltforhim，Imustsay，agreatdealofcontemp。Arasklesuchashe——
　　aswindler，whohadrobbedpoarDawkinsofthemeansofigsistance;
　　whohadcheatedhisfellow—roag，Mr。RichardBlewitt，andwhowasmakingamusnarymarridgewithadisgustingcreacherlikeMissGriffin，didnmeritanycompashnonmypurt;andIdeterminedquitetokeepsecretthesuckmstansiesofmyprivitintervewwithhisexlnsymypresntmaster。
　　IgevhimMissGriffinsestrianglar，whichhereadwithasatasfiedair。Then，turningtome，sayshe："YougavethistoMissGriffinalone？"
　　"Yes，sir。"
　　"Yougavehermymessage？"
　　"Yes，sir。"
　　"AndyouarequitesureLordCrabswasnottherewhenyougaveeitherthemessageorthenote？"
　　"Notthereuponmyhonor，"saysI。
　　"Hangyourhonor，sir！Brushmyhatandcoat，andgoCALLACOACH——
　　doyouhear？"……
　　IdidasIwasordered;andoncomingbackfoundmasterinwhat’scalled，Ithink，thegreffeoftheprisn。Theofficerinwaitinghadoutagreatregister，andwastalkingtomasterintheFrenchtongue，incoarse;anumberofpoarprisnerswerelookingeagerlyon。
　　"Letussee，mylor，"sayshe;"thedebtis98，700francs;therearecaptureexpenses，interestsomuch;andthewholesumamountstoahundredthousandfrancs，moins13。"
　　Deuceace，inaverymyjesticway，takesoutofhispocketbookfourthowsndpunnotes。"ThisisnotFrenchmoney，butIpresumethatyouknowit，M。Greffier，"sayshe。
　　ThegreffierturnedroundtooldSolomon，amoney—changer，whohadoneortwoclientsintheprisn，andhapndluckilytobethere。
　　"Lesbilletssontbons，"sayshe。"Jelesprendraipourcentmilledouzecentfrancs，etj’espere，mylor，devousrevoir。"
　　"Good，"saysthegreffier;"Iknowthemtobegood，andIwillgivemylorthedifference，andmakeouthisrelease。"
　　Whichwasdone。Thepoardebtorsgaveafeeblecheer，asthegreatdubbleirongatesswungopenandclangtoagain，andDeuceacesteptoutandmeafterhim，tobreathethefreshhair。
　　Hehadbeenintheplacebutsixhours，andwasnowfreeagain——
　　free，andtobemarriedtotenthousandayearnexday。But，forallthat，helooktveryfaintandpale。HeHADputdownhisgreatstake;andwhenhecameoutofSaintePelagie，hehadbutfiftypoundsleftintheworld！
　　Nevermind——whenonstthemoney’sdown，makeyourmindeasy;andsoDeuceacedid。HedrovebacktotheHotelMirabew，whereheorderedapartminceinfinatelymoresplendidthanbefor;andIprettysoontoldToinette，andtherestofthesuvvants，hownoblyhebehayved，andhowhevalyoudfourthousndpoundnomorethanditchwater。
　　Andsuchwastheconsquinciesofmypraises，andthepoplarityI
　　gotforusboath，thatthedelightedlandladyimmediantlychargedhimdubblewhatshewouldhavedone，ifithadnbeenformystoaries。
　　Heorderedsplendidapartmince，then，forthenexweek;acarridge—
　　and—fourforFontainebleauto—morrowat12precisely;andhavingsettledallthesethings，wentquietlytothe"RoshydeCancale，"
　　wherehedined：aswellhemight，foritwasnoweighto’clock。I
　　didn’tsparetheshompangneitherthatnight，Icantellyou;forwhenIcarriedthenotehegavemeforMissGriffinintheevening，informingherofhisfreedom，thatyoungladyremarkedmyhagitatedmannerofwalkingandspeaking，andsaid，"HonestCharles！heisflushtwiththeeventsoftheday。Here，Charles，isanapoleon;
　　takeitanddrinktoyourmistress。"
　　Ipockitidit;but，Imustsay，Ididn’tlikethemoney——itwentagainstmystomicktotakeit。
　　CHAPTERIX。
　　THEMARRIAGE。
　　Well，thenexdaycame：at12thecarridge—and—fourwaswaitingattheambasdor’sdoar;andMissGriffinandthefaithfleKickseywerepunctialtotheapintment。
　　Idon’twishtodigscribethemarridgeseminary——howtheembasychaplingjinedthehandsofthislovingyoungcouple——howoneoftheembasyfootminwascalledintowitnessthemarridge——howMisswepandfaintedasusial——andhowDeuceacecarriedher，fainting，tothebrisky，anddroveofftoFontingblo，wheretheyweretopassthefustweakofthehoney—moon。Theytooknoservnts，becausetheywisht，theysaid，tobeprivit。Andso，whenIhadshutupthesteps，andbidthepostiliondriveon，IbidajewtotheHonrabbleAlgernon，andwentoffstraittohisexlentfather。
　　"Isitallover，Chawls？"saidhe。
　　"Isawthemturnedoffatigsactlyaquarterpast12，mylord，"
　　saysI。
　　"DidyougiveMissGriffinthepaper，asItoldyou，beforehermarriage？"
　　"Idid，mylord，inthepresentsofMr。Brown，LordBobtail’sman;
　　whocansweartoherhavinghadit。"
　　ImusttellyouthatmylordhadmademereadapaperwhichLadyGriffinhadwritten，andwhichIwascomishndtogiveinthemannermenshndabuff。Itrantothiseffect：——
　　"Accordingtotheauthoritygivenmebythewillofmylatedearhusband，IforbidthemarriageofMissGriffinwiththeHonorableAlgernonPercyDeuceace。IfMissGriffinpersistsintheunion，I
　　warnherthatshemustabidebytheconsequencesofheract。
　　"LEONORAEMILIAGRIFFIN。"
　　"RUEDERIVOLI，May8，1818。"
　　WhenIgavethistoMissassheenteredthecortyard，aminnitbeforemymaster’sarrivle，sheonlyreaditcontemptiously，andsaid，"IlaughatthethreatsofLadyGriffin;"andshetoarthepaperintwo，andwalkedon，leaningonthearmofthefaithfulandobleagingMissKicksey。
　　Ipickedupthepaperforfearofaxdents，andbrotittomylord。
　　Notthattherewasanynecessaty;forhe’dkepacopy，andmademeandanotherwitniss（myLadyGriffin’ssolissator）readthemboth，beforehesenteitheraway。
　　"Good！"sayshe;andheprojuicedfromhispotfoliothefelloofthatbewchusfifty—punnote，whichhe’dgivenmeyesterday。"I
　　keepmypromise，yousee，Charles，"sayshe。"YouarenowinLadyGriffin’sservice，intheplaceofMr。Fitzclarence，whoretires。
　　GotoFroje’s，andgetalivery。"
　　"But，mylord，"saysI，"IwasnottogointoLadyGriffnsesservice，accordingtothebargain，butinto——"
　　"It’sallthesamething，"sayshe;andhewalkedoff。IwenttoMr。Froje’s，andorderedanewlivry;andfound，likwise，thatourcoachminandMunseerMortimerhadbeentheretoo。Mylady’sliverywaschanged，andwasnowofthesamecolorasmyoldcoatatMr。
　　Deuceace’s;andI’mblestiftherewasn’tatremenjiousgreatearl’scorronitonthebutins，instidoftheGriffinrampint，whichwaswornbefoar。
　　Iaskednoquestions，however，buthadmyselfmeasured;andslepthatnightatthePlasVandome。Ididn’tgooutwiththecarridgeforadayortwo，though;myladyonlytakingonefootmin，shesaid，untilHERNEWCARRIDGEwasturnedout。
　　Ithinkyoucanguesswhat’sinthewindNOW！
　　Ibotmyselfadressing—case，aboxofOdycolong，afewduzenlawnshertsandneckcloths，andotherthingswhichwerenecessaryforagenlmninmyrank。Silkstockingswasprovidedbytherulesofthehouse。AndIcompletedthebisnissbywritingthefollyingginteellettertomylatemaster：——
　　"CHARLESYELLOWPLUSH，ESQUIRE，TOTHEHONORABLEA。P。DEUCEACE。
　　"SUR，——SuckmstansieshaveacurdsinsIlasthadthehonnerofwatingonyou，whichrenderitimpossbilthatIshouldremaneanylongerinyoursuvvice。I’llthankyoutoleaveoutmythinx，whentheycomehomeonSattadyfromthewash。
　　"Yourobeajntservnt，"CHARLESYELLOWPLUSH。"
　　"PLASVENDOME。"
　　Theathographyoftheabuvnoat，Iconfess，isatrocious;butkevoolyvoo？Iwasonlyeighteen，andhadnthentheexpearanceinwritingwhichI’veenjidesins。
　　Havingthusdonemyjewtyinevryway，Ishallprosead，inthenexchapter，tosaywhathapndinmynewplace。
　　CHAPTERX。
　　THEHONEY—MOON。
　　TheweakatFontingblowpastquicklyaway;andattheendofit，oursonanddaughter—in—law——apareofniceyoungtuttle—duvs——
　　returnedtotheirnest，attheHotelMirabew。IsuspeckthattheCOCKturtle—dovewaspreshossickofhisbarging。
　　Whentheyarriv’d，thefustthingtheyfoundontheirtablewasalargeparslewraptupinsilverpaper，andanewspaper，andacoupleofcards，tiedupwithapeaceofwhiteribbing。Intheparslewasahansumepieceofplum—cake，withadealofsugar。Onthecardswaswrote，inGoffickcharacters，EarlofCrabs。
　　And，inverysmallItalian，CountessofCrabs。
　　Andinthepaperwasthefollowingparrowgraff：——
　　"MARRIAGEINHIGHLIFE。——Yesterday，attheBritishembassy，theRightHonorableJohnAugustusAltamontPlantagenet，EarlofCrabs，toLeonoraEmilia，widowofthelateLieutenant—GeneralSirGeorgeGriffin，K。C。B。AnelegantdejeunewasgiventothehappycouplebyhisExcellencyLordBobtail，whogaveawaythebride。Theeliteoftheforeigndiplomacy，thePrinceTalleyrandandMarshaltheDukeofDalmatiaonbehalfofH。M。theKingofFrance，honoredthebanquetandthemarriageceremony。LordandLadyCrabsintendpassingafewweeksatSaintCloud。"
　　Theabovedockyments，alongwithmyowntrifflingbilly，ofwhichI
　　havealsogivnacopy，greatedMr。andMrs。DeuceaceontheirarrivlefromFontingblo。Notbeingpresent，Ican’tsaywhatDeuceacesaid;butIcanfancyhowheLOOKT，andhowpoorMrs。
　　Deuceacelookt。Theyweren’tmuchinclinedtorestafterthefiteegofthejunny;for，in1/2anhouraftertheirarrivalatParis，thehosseswereputtothecarridgeagen，anddowntheycamethunderingtoourcountry—houseatSt。Cloud（pronounstbythoseabsudFrenchminSingKloo），tointerrupourchastelovesanddelishsmarridgeinjyments。
　　Mylordwassittninacrimsonsatandressing—gown，lollingonasofaatanopenwindy，smoakingseagars，asushle;herladyship，who，toduherjustice，didnmindthesmell，occupiedanotherendoftheroom，andwasworking，inwusted，apareofslippers，oranumbrellorecase，oracoal—skittle，orsomesuchnonsints。Youwouldhavethoughttohavesean’emthattheyhadbeenmarriedasentry，atleast。Well，Ibustinuponthisconjugaltator—tator，andsaid，verymuchalarmed，"Mylord，here’syoursonanddaughter—in—law。"
　　"Well，"saysmylord，quitecalm，"andwhatthen？"
　　"Mr。Deuceace！"saysmylady，startingup，andlookingfritened。
　　"Yes，mylove，myson;butyouneednotbealarmed。Pray，Charles，saythatLadyCrabsandIwillbeveryhappytoseeMr。andMrs。
　　Deuceace;andthattheymustexcuseusreceivingthemenfamille。
　　Sitstill，myblessing——takethingscoolly。Haveyougottheboxwiththepapers？"
　　Myladypointedtoagreatgreenbox——thesamefromwhichshehadtakenthepapers，whenDeuceacefustsawthem，——andhandedovertomylordafinegoldkey。Iwentout，metDeuceaceandhiswifeonthestepps，gavemymessinge，andbowedthempalitelyin。
　　Mylorddidn’trise，butsmoakedawayasusual（prapsalittlequicker，butIcan’tsay）;myladysatupright，lookinghandsumandstrong。Deuceacewalkedin，hisleftarmtiedtohisbreast，hiswifeandhatontheother。Helookedverypaleandfrightened;hiswife，poarthing！hadherheadberriedinherhandkerchief，andsobdfittobreakherheart。
　　MissKicksey，whowasintheroom（butIdidn’tmentionher，shewaslessthannothinkinourhouse），wentuptoMrs。Deuceaceatonst，andheldoutherarms——shehadaheart，thatoldKicksey，andIrespectherforit。ThepoorhunchbackflungherselfintoMiss’sarms，withakindofwhoopingscreech，andkepthereforsometime，sobbinginquiteahistoricalmanner。Isawtherewasgoingtobeasean，andso，incors，leftthedoorajar。
　　"WelcometoSaintCloud，Algymyboy！"saysmylord，inaloud，heartyvoice。"Youthoughtyouwouldgiveustheslip，eh，yourogue？Butweknewit，mydearfellow：weknewthewholeaffair——
　　didwenot，mysoul？——andyousee，keptoursecretbetterthanyoudidyours。"
　　"Imustconfess，sir，"saysDeuceace，bowing，"thatIhadnoideaofthehappinesswhichawaitedmeintheshapeofamother—in—law。"
　　"No，youdog;no，no，"saysmylord，giggling："oldbirds，youknow，nottobecaughtwithchaff，likeyoungones。Buthereweare，allsplicedandhappy，atlast。Sitdown，Algernon;letussmokeasegar，andtalkovertheperilsandadventuresofthelastmonth。Mylove，"saysmylord，turningtohislady，youhavenomaliceagainstpoorAlgernon，Itrust？PrayshakeHISHAND。"（A
　　grin。）
　　Butmyladyroseandsaid，"IhavetoldMr。Deuceace，thatIneverwishedtoseehim，orspeaktohim，more。Iseenoreason，now，tochangemyopinion。"Andherewithshesailedoutoftheroom，bythedoorthroughwhichKickseyhadcarriedpoorMrs。Deuceace。
　　"Well，well，"saysmylord，asLadyCrabssweptby，"Iwasinhopesshehadforgivenyou;butIknowthewholestory，andImustconfessyouusedhercruellyill。Twostringstoyourbow！——thatwasyourgame，wasit，yourogue？"
　　"Doyoumean，mylord，thatyouknowallthatpastbetweenmeandLadyGrif——LadyCrabs，beforeourquarrel？"
　　"Perfectly——youmadelovetoher，andshewasalmostinlovewithyou;youjiltedherformoney，shegotamantoshootyourhandoffinrevenge：nomoredice—boxes，now，Deuceace;nomoresauterlacoupe。Ican’tthinkhowthedeuceyouwillmanagetolivewithoutthem。"
　　"Yourlordshipisverykind;butIhavegivenupplayaltogether，"
　　saysDeuceace，lookingmightyblackanduneasy。
　　"Oh，indeed！Benedickhasturnedamoralman，hashe？Thisisbetterandbetter。Areyouthinkingofgoingintothechurch，Deuceace？"
　　"Mylord，mayIaskyoutobealittlemoreserious？"
　　"Serious！aquoibon？Iamserious——seriousinmysurprisethat，whenyoumighthavehadeitherofthesewomen，youshouldhavepreferredthathideouswifeofyours。"
　　"MayIaskyou，inturn，howyoucametobesolittlesqueamishaboutawife，astochooseawomanwhohadjustbeenmakinglovetoyourownson？"saysDeuceace，growingfierce。
　　"Howcanyouasksuchaquestion？Iowefortythousandpounds——
　　thereisanexecutionatSizesHall——everyacreIhaveisinthehandsofmycreditors;andthat’swhyImarriedher。Doyouthinktherewasanylove？LadyCrabsisadev’lishfinewoman，butshe’snotafool——shemarriedmeformycoronet，andImarriedherforhermoney。"
　　"Well，mylord，youneednotaskme，Ithink，whyImarriedthedaughter—in—law。"
　　"Yes，butIDO，mydearboy。Howthedeuceareyoutolive？
　　Dawkins’sfivethousandpoundswon’tlastforever;andafterwards？"
　　"Youdon’tmean，mylord——youdon’t——Imean，youcan’t——D———！"
　　sayshe，startingup，andlosingallpatience，"youdon’tdaretosaythatMissGriffinhadnotafortuneoftenthousandayear？"
　　Mylordwasrollingup，andwettingbetwigsthislips，anothersegar;helooktup，afterhehadlightedit，andsaidquietly——
　　"Certainly，MissGriffinhadafortuneoftenthousandayear。"
　　"Well，sir，andhasshenotgotitnow？Hasshespentitinaweek？"
　　"SHEHASNOTGOTASIX—PENCENOW：SHEMARRIEDWITHOUTHERMOTHER’S
　　CONSENT！"
　　Deuceacesunkdowninachair;andIneverseesuchadreadfulpictureofdespairastherewasinthefaceofthatretchidman！——
　　hewrithed，andnashthisteeth，hetoreopenhiscoat，andwriggledmadlythestumpofhislefthand，until，fairlybeat，hethrewitoverhislividpaleface，andsinkingbackwards，fairlyweptalowd。
　　Bah！it’sadreddflethingtohearamancrying！hispashntornupfromtheveryrootsofhisheart，asitmustbebeforeitcangitsuchavent。Mylord，meanwhile，rolledhissegar，lightedit，andwenton。
　　"Mydearboy，thegirlhasnotashilling。Iwishedtohaveleftyoualoneinpeace，withyourfourthousandpounds：youmighthaveliveddecentlyuponitinGermany，wheremoneyisat5percent，whereyourdunswouldnotfindyou，andacoupleofhundredayearwouldhavekeptyouandyourwifeincomfort。But，yousee，LadyCrabswouldnotlistentoit。Youhadinjuredher;and，aftershehadtriedtokillyouandfailed，shedeterminedtoruinyou，andsucceeded。ImustowntoyouthatIdirectedthearrestingbusiness，andputheruptobuyingyourprotestedbills：shegotthemforatrifle，andasyouhavepaidthem，hasmadeagoodtwothousandpoundsbyherbargain。Itwasapainfulthingtobesure，forafathertogethissonarrested;butquevoulez—vous！Ididnotappearinthetransaction：shewouldhaveyouruined;anditwasabsolutelynecessarythatYOUshouldmarrybeforeIcould，soI
　　pleadedyourcausewithMissGriffin，andmadeyouthehappymanyouare。Yourogue，yourogue！youthoughttomatchyouroldfather，didyou？But，nevermind;lunchwillbereadysoon。Inthemeantime，haveasegar，anddrinkaglassofSauterne。"
　　Deuceace，whohadbeenlisteningtothisspeech，sprungupwildly。
　　"I’llnotbelieveit，"hesaid："it’salie，aninfernallie！
　　forgedbyyou，youhoaryvillain，andbythemurderessandstrumpetyouhavemarried。I’llnotbelieveit;showmethewill。Matilda！
　　Matilda！"shoutedhe，screaminghoarsely，andflingingopenthedoorbywhichshehadgoneout。
　　"Keepyourtemper，myboy。YouAREvexed，andIfeelforyou：butdon’tusesuchbadlanguage：itisquiteneedless，believeme。"
　　"Matilda！"shoutedoutDeuceaceagain;andthepoorcrookedthingcametremblingin，followedbyMissKicksey。
　　"Isthistrue，woman？"sayshe，clutchingholdofherhand。
　　"What，dearAlgernon？"saysshe。
　　"What？"screamsoutDeuceace，——"what？Whythatyouareabeggar，formarryingwithoutyourmother’sconsent——thatyoubaselyliedtome，inordertobringaboutthismatch——thatyouareaswindler，inconspiracywiththatoldfiendyonderandtheshe—devilhiswife？"
　　"Itistrue，"sobbedthepoorwoman，"thatIhavenothing;but——"
　　"Nothingbutwhat？Whydon’tyouspeak，youdrivellingfool？"
　　"Ihavenothing！——butyou，dearest，havetwothousandayear。Isthatnotenoughforus？Youlovemeformyself，don’tyou，Algernon？Youhavetoldmesoathousandtimes——saysoagain，dearhusband;anddonot，donotbesounkind。"Andhereshesankonherknees，andclungtohim，andtriedtocatchhishand，andkissit。
　　"Howmuchdidyousay？"saysmylord。
　　"Twothousandayear，sir;hehastoldussoathousandtimes。"
　　"TWOTHOUSAND！Twothou——ho，ho，ho！——haw！haw！haw！"roarsmylord。"Thatis，Ivow，thebestthingIeverheardinmylife。Mydearcreature，hehasnotashilling——notasinglemaravedi，byallthegodsandgoddesses。"Andthisexlntnobleminbeganlaffinlouderthanever：averykindandfeelinggenlmnhewas，asallmustconfess。
　　Therewasapaws：andMrs。Deuceacedidnbegincussingandswearingatherhusbandashehaddoneather：sheonlysaid，"OAlgernon！
　　isthistrue？"andgotup，andwenttoachairandwepinquiet。
　　Mylordopenedthegreatbox。"IfyouoryourlawyerswouldliketoexamineSirGeorge’swill，itisquiteatyourservice;youwillseeheretheprovisowhichImentioned，thatgivestheentirefortunetoLadyGriffin——LadyCrabsthatis：andhere，mydearboy，youseethedangerofhastyconclusions。HerladyshiponlyshowedyoutheFIRSTPAGEOFTHEWILL，ofcourse;shewantedtotryyou。
　　YouthoughtyoumadeagreatstrokeinatonceproposingtoMissGriffin——donotmindit，mylove，hereallylovesyounowverysincerely！——when，infact，youwouldhavedonemuchbettertohavereadtherestofthewill。Youwerecompletelybitten，myboy——
　　humbugged，bamboozled——ay，andbyyouroldfather，youdog。ItoldyouIwould，youknow，whenyourefusedtolendmeaportionofyourDawkinsmoney。ItoldyouIwould;andIDID。Ihadyoutheverynextday。Letthisbealessontoyou，Percymyboy;don’ttryyourluckagainagainstsucholdhands：lookdeucedwellbeforeyouleap：audialterampartem，mylad，whichmeans，readbothsidesofthewill。Ithinklunchisready;butIseeyoudon’tsmoke。
　　Shallwegoin？"
　　"Stop，mylord，"saysMr。Deuceace，veryhumble："Ishallnotshareyourhospitality——but——butyouknowmycondition;Iampenniless——
　　youknowthemannerinwhichmywifehasbeenbroughtup——"
　　"TheHonorableMrs。Deuceace，sir，shallalwaysfindahomehere，asifnothinghadoccurredtointerruptthefriendshipbetweenherdearmotherandherself。"
　　"Andforme，sir，"saysDeuceace，speakingfaint，andveryslow;"I
　　hope——Itrust——Ithink，mylord，youwillnotforgetme？"
　　"Forgetyou，sir;certainlynot。"
　　"Andthatyouwillmakesomeprovision——？"
　　"AlgernonDeuceace，"saysmylord，gettingupfromthesophy，andlookingathimwithsichajollymalignity，asIneversee，"I
　　declare，beforeheaven，thatIwillnotgiveyouapenny！"
　　HereuponmylordheldouthishandtoMrs。Deuceace，andsaid，"Mydear，willyoujoinyourmotherandme？Weshallalways，asI
　　said，haveahomeforyou。"
　　"Mylord，"saidthepoarthing，droppingacurtsy，"myhomeiswithHIM！"……
　　Aboutthreemonthsafter，whentheseasonwasbeginningatParis，andtheautumnleafswasontheground，mylord，mylady，meandMortimer，weretakingastroalintheBoddyBalong，thecarridgedrivingonslowlyahead，andusashappyaspossbill，admiringthepleasantwoodsandthegoldnsunset。
　　Mylordwasexpayshatingtomyladyupontheexquizitbeautyofthesean，andpouringforthahostofbutifleandvirtuoussentamentssootabletothehour。Itwasdalitefletohearhim。"Ah！"saidhe，"blackmustbetheheart，mylove，whichdoesnotfeeltheinfluenceofascenelikethis;gatheringasitwere，fromthosesunlitskies，aportionoftheircelestialgold，andgainingsomewhatofheavenwitheachpuredraughtofthisdeliciousair！"
　　LadyCrabsdidnotspeak，butpresthisarmandlookedupwards。
　　MortimerandI，too，feltsomeoftheinfliwentsofthesean，andlentonourgooldsticksinsilence。Thecarriagedrewupclosetous，andmylordandmyladysaunteredslowlytordsit。
　　Jestattheplacewasabench，andonthebenchsateapoorlydrestwoman，andbyher，leaningagainstatree，wasamanwhomIthoughtI’dseanbefor。Hewasdrestinashabbyblewcoat，withwhiteseemsandcopperbuttons;atornhatwasonhishead，andgreatquantatiesofmattedhairandwhiskersdisfiggaredhiscountnints。
　　Hewasnotshaved，andaspaleasstone。
　　Mylordandladydidntaktheslightestnoticeofhim，butpastontothecarridge。MeandMortimerlickwisetookOURplaces。Aswepast，themanhadgotagripofthewoman’sshoulder，whowasholdingdownherheadsobbingbitterly。
　　Nosoonerweremylordandladyseated，thantheyboth，withigstreamdellixyandgoodnatur，burstintoaroroflafter，pealuponpeal，whoopingandscreachingenoughtofrightentheeveningsilents。
　　DEUCEACEturnedround。Iseehisfacenow——thefaceofadevvleofhell！Fust，helookttowardsthecarridge，andpintedtoitwithhismaimedarm;thenheraisedtheother，ANDSTRUCKTHEWOMANBY
　　HISSIDE。Shefell，screaming。
　　Poorthing！Poorthing！
　　MR。YELLOWPLUSH’SAJEW。
　　TheendofMr。Deuceace’shistoryisgoingtobetheendofmycorrispondince。IwishthepublicwasassorytopartwithmeasI
　　amwiththepublic;becawsIfansyreelythatwe’vebecomefrends，andfealformypartabecominggreafatsayingajew。
　　It’simposbillformetocontinyow，however，a—writin，asIhavedone——violettingtherulesofauthography，andtramplinguponthefustprincepillsofEnglishgrammar。WhenIbegan，Iknewnobetter：whenI’dcarridonthesepapersalittlefurther，andgrewaccustmdtowritin，Ibegantosmeloutsomethinkquearinmystyle。WithinthelastsexweaksIhavebeenlearningtospell：
　　andwhenalltheworldwasrejoicingatthefestivvatiesofouryouthfulQuean——*whenalli’swerefixeduponherlongsweetofambasdorsandprinces，followingthesplendidcarridgeofMarshletheDukeofDamlatiar，andblinkingatthepearlsanddiminceofPrinceOystereasy——Yellowplushwasinhisloanlypantry——HISeyeswerefixtuponthespelling—book——hisheartwasbentuponmastringthediffickletiesofthelitteryprofesshn。Ihavebeen，infact，CONVERTID。
　　*Thiswaswrittenin1838。
　　Youshallherehow。Ours，youknow，isaWighouse;andeversinshisthirdsonhasgotaplaceintheTreasury，hisseckndacaptingsyintheGuards，hisfust，thesecretaryofembasyatPekin，withaprospickofbeingappintedambasdoratLooChoo——eversinsmaster’ssonshavereseavedtheseattentions，andmasterhimselfhashadthepromisofapearitch，hehasbeenthemostreglar，consistnt，honrabbleLibbaral，inoroutoftheHouseofCommins。
　　Well，beingaWhig，it’sthefashn，asyouknow，toreseavelitterypipple;andaccordingly，atdinner，totherday，whosenamedoyouthinkIhadtohollaroutonthefustlanding—placeaboutawickago？Afterseveraldukesandmarkiseshadbeenenounced，averygentellflydrivesuptoourdoar，andoutstepstwogentlemen。
　　Onewaspail，andworspektickles，awig，andawhiteneckcloth。
　　Theotherwasslimwithahooknose，apailfase，asmallwaist，apareoffallingshoulders，atightcoat，andacatarackofblacksattingtumblingoutofhisbusm，andfallingintoagiltvelvetweskit。Thelittlegenlmnsettledhiswigg，andpulledouthisribbins;theyoungeronefluffedthedustofhisshoes，lookedathiswhiskersinalittlepockit—glas，settledhiscrevatt;andtheybothmountedupstairs。
　　"Whatname，sir？"saysI，totheoldgenlmn。
　　"Name！——a！now，youthiefo’thewurrld，"sayshe，"doyoupretindnattoknowME？Sayit’stheCabinetCyclopa——no，ImanetheLitheraryChran——psha！——bluthanowns！——sayit’sDOCTHORDIOCLESIAN
　　LARNER——Ithinkhe’llknowmenow——ay，Nid？"ButthegenlmncalledNidwasatthebotmofthestare，andpretendedtobeverybusywithhisshoo—string。Sothelittlegenlmnwentupstaresalone。
　　"DOCTORDIOLESIUSLARNER！"saysI。
　　"DOCTORATHANASIUSLARDNER！"saysGrevilleFitz—Roy，ourseckndfootman，onthefustlanding—place。
　　"DOCTORIGNATIUSLOYOLA！"saysthegroomofthechambers，whopretendstobeascholar;andinthelittlegenlmnwent。Whensafelyhoused，theotherchapcame;andwhenIaskedhimhisname，said，inathick，gobblingkindofvoice：
　　"Sawedwadgeorgeearllittnbulwig。"
　　"Sirwhat？"saysI，quiteagastatthename。