"Sawedwad——no，ImeanMISTAWedwadLyttnBulwig。"
　　Myneastrembledunderme，myi’sfildwithtiers，myvoiceshook，asIpastupthevenrabblenametotheotherfootman，andsawthisfustofEnglishwritersgouptothedrawing—room！
　　It’sneedlesstomentionthenamesoftherestofthecompny，ortodixcribethesuckmstansiesofthedinner。Suffiztosaythatthetwolitterygenlmnbehavedverywell，andseamedtohavegoodappytights;igspeciallythelittleIrishmaninthewhig，whoet，drunk，andtalkedasmuchasaduzn。Hetoldhowhe’dbeenpresentedatcortbyhisfriend，Mr。Bulwig，andhowtheQueanhadreceived’emboth，withadignityundigscribable;andhowherblessidMajistyaskedwhatwasthebonyfidysaleoftheCabinitCyclopaedy，andhowbe（DoctorLarner）toldherthat，onhishonner，itwasundertenthowsnd。
　　YoumayguessthattheDoctor，whenhemadethisspeach，wasprettyfargone。Thefactis，thatwhetheritwasthecoronation，orthegoodnessofthewine（cappitleitisinourhouse，Icantellyou），orthenatralpropensatiesofthegestsassembled，whichmadethemsoigspeciallyjolly，Idon’tknow;buttheyhadkepupthemeatingprettylate，andourpoarbutlerwasquitetiredwiththeperpechualbaskitsofclarritwhichhe’dbeencalledupontobringup。Sothatabout11o’clock，ifIweretosaytheyweremerry，I
　　shoulduseamildterm;ifIwertosaytheywereintawsicated，I
　　shoulduseanigspresshnmoreneartothetruth，butlessrispeckfulinoneofmysituashn。
　　Thecumpanyreseavedthisannountsmintwithmuteextonishment。
　　"Pray，DoctorLarnder，"saysaspitefulgenlmn，willingtokeepupthelitteryconversation，"whatistheCabinetCyclopaedia？"
　　"It’sthelittherarywontherrofthewurrld，"sayshe;"andsureyourlordshipmusthaveseenit;thelatthernumbersispicially——
　　cheapasdurrt，boundingleezedcalico，sixshillingsavollum。
　　TheillusthriousneemsofWaltherScott，ThomasMoore，DoctherSouthey，SirJamesMackintosh，DoctherDonovan，andmeself，aretobefoundinthelistofconthributors。It’sthePhaynixofCyclopajies——alitheraryBacon。"
　　"Awhat？"saysthegenlmnnextohim。
　　"ABacon，shininginthedarknessofourage;fildwidthepureendlambentflameofscience，burningwiththegorrgeousscintillationsofdivinelitherature——amonumintum，infact，areperinnius，boundinpinkcalico，sixshillingsavollum。"
　　"Thiswigmawole，"saidMr。Bulwig（whoseemedratherdisgustedthathisfriendshouldtakeupsomuchoftheconvassation），"thiswigmawoleisallvewywell;butit’scuwiousthatyoudon’twemember，inchawactewisingthelitewawymewitsofthevawiousmagazines，cwonicles，weviews，andencyclopaedias，theexistenceofacwiticalweviewandlitewarychwonicle，which，thoughtheaewaofitsappeawanceisdatedonlyatavewyfewmonthspwevioustothepwesentpewiod，is，nevertheless，sowemarkableforitsintwinsicmewitsastobewead，notinthemetwopolisalone，butinthecountwy——notinFwancemerely，butinthewestofEuwope——wheweverourpureWenglishisspoken，itstwetchesitspeacefulsceptre——
　　pewusedinAmewica，fwomNewYorktoNingawa——wepwintedinCanada，fromMontwealtoTowonto——and，asIamgwatifiedtohearfwommyfwendthegovernorofCapeCoastCastle，wegularlyweceivedinAfwica，andtwanslatedintotheMandingolanguagebythemissionawiesandthebushwangers。Ineednotsay，gentlemen——
　　sir——thatis，Mr。Speaker——Imean，SirJohn——thatIalludetotheLitewaryChwonicle，ofwhichIhavethehonortobepwincipalcontwibutor。"
　　"Verytrue;mydearMr。Bullwig，"saysmymaster："youandIbeingWhigs，mustofcoursestandbyourownfriends;andIwillagree，withoutamoment’shesitation，thattheLiterarywhat—d’ye—call’emistheprinceofperiodicals。"
　　"Thepwinceofpewiodicals？"saysBullwig;"mydearSirJohn，it’stheempewowofthepwess。"
　　"Soit，——letitbetheemperorofthepress，asyoupoeticallycallit：but，betweenourselves，confessit，——DonottheTorywritersbeatyourWhigshollow？Youtalkaboutmagazines。Lookat——"
　　"Lookathwat？"shoutsoutLarder。"There’snone，SirJan，comparedtoourrs。"
　　"Pardonme，Ithinkthat——"
　　"Itis’Bentley’sMislany’youmane？"saysIgnatius，assharpasaniddle。
　　"Why，no;but——"
　　"Othin，it’sCo’burn，sure！andthatdivvleThayodor——aprettypaper，sir，butlight——thrashy，milk—and—wathery——notsthrong，liketheLitheraryChran——goodlucktoit。"
　　"Why，DoctorLander，Iwasgoingtotellatoncethenameoftheperiodical，it’sFRASER’SMAGAZINE。"
　　"FRESER！"saystheDoctor。"Othunderandturf！"
　　"FWASER！"saysBullwig。"O——ah——hum——haw——yes——no——why，——thatisweally——no，weally，uponmyweputation，Ineverbeforeheardthenameofthepewiodical。Bytheby，SirJohn，whatwemarkablegoodclawetthisis;isitLawoseorLaff——？"
　　Laff，indeed！hecoodengitbeyondlaff;andI’mblestifIcouldkipitneither，——forhearinghimpretendignurnts，andbeingbehindtheskreend，settlinsomethinkforthegenlmn，Ibustintosucharawoflaffingasneverwasigseeded。
　　"Hullo！"saysBullwig，turningred。"HaveIsaidanythingimpwobable，awwidiculous？for，weally，Ineverbefawwecollecttohaveheardinsocietysuchatwemendouspealofcachinnation——thatwhichthetwagicbardwhofoughtatMawathonhascalledananewithmongelasma。"
　　"Why，betheholypiper，"saysLarder，"Ithinkyouaredthrawingalittleonyourimagination。NotreadFraser！Don’tbelievehim，mylordduke;hereadseverywordofit，therogue！Theboysaboutthatmagazinebastehimasifhewasasackofoatmale。Myreasonforcryingout，SirJan，wasbecauseyoumintionedFraseratall。
　　Bullwighaseverysyllableofitbeheart——fromthepailitixdowntothe’YellowplushCorrespondence。’"
　　"Ha，ha！"saysBullwig，affectingtolaff（youmaybesuremyearspricktupwhenIheardthenameofthe"YellowplushCorrespondence"）。
　　"Ha，ha！why，totelltruth，IHAVEweadthecowespondencetowhichyouallude：it’sagweatfavowiteatcourt。IwastalkingwithSpwingWiceandJohnWussellaboutittheotherday。"
　　"Well，andwhatdoyouthinkofit？"saysSirJohn，lookingmitywaggish——forheknewitwasmewhoroatit。
　　"Why，weallyandtwuly，there’sconsidewableclevernessaboutthecweature;butit’slow，disgustinglylow：itviolatespwabability，andtheorthogwaphyissocarefullyinaccuwate，thatitrequiresapositivestudytocompwehendit。"
　　"Yes，faith，"saysLarner;"thearthagraphyisdetestible;it’sasbadforamantowritebadspillinasitisfor’emtospeakwidabrrogue。Iducationfurst，andganiusafterwards。Yourhealth，mylord，andgoodlucktoyou。"
　　"Yawwemark，"saysBullwig，"isvewyappwopwiate。Youwillwecollect，SirJohn，inHewodotus（asforyou，Doctor，youknowmoreaboutIwishthanaboutGweek），——youwillwecollect，withoutdoubt，astowynawwatedbythatcwedulousthoughfascinatingchwonicler，ofacertainkindofsheepwhichisknownonlyinacertaindistwictofAwabia，andofwhichthetailissoenormous，thatiteitherdwagglesonthegwound，orisboundupbytheshepherdsofthecountryintoasmallwheelbawwow，orcart，whichmakesthechwoniclersneewinglywemarkthatthus’thesheepofAwabiahavetheirownchawiots。’Ihaveoftenthought，sir（thisclawetisweallynectaweous）——Ihaveoften，Isay，thoughtthatthewaceofmanmaybecompawedtotheseAwabiansheep——geniusisourtail，educationourwheelbawwow。Withoutartandeducationtopwopit，thisgeniusdwopsonthegwound，andispollutedbythemud，orinjuredbythewocksupontheway：withthewheelbawwowitisstwengthened，incweased，andsupported——apwidetotheowner，ablessingtomankind。"
　　"Averyappropriatesimile，"saysSirJohn;"andIamafraidthatthegeniusofourfriendYellowplushhasneedofsomesuchsupport。"
　　"Apropos，"saidBullwig，"whoISYellowplush？Iwasgiventounderstandthatthenamewasonlyafictitiousone，andthatthepaperswerewrittenbytheauthorofthe’DiaryofaPhysician;’ifso，themanhaswonderfullyimprovedinstyle，andthereissomehopeofhim。"
　　"Bah！"saystheDukeofDoublejowl;"everybodyknowsit’sBarnard，thecelebratedauthorof’SamSlick。’"
　　"Pardon，mydearduke，"saysLordBagwig;"it’stheauthoressof’HighLife，’’Almack’s，’andotherfashionablenovels。"
　　"Fiddlestick’send！"saysDoctorLarner;"don’tbeblushingandpretindingtoaskquestions;don’tweknowyou，Bullwig？It’syouyourself，youthiefoftheworld：wesmokedyoufromtheverybeginning。"
　　Bullwigwasaboutindignantlytoreply，whenSirJohninterruptedthem，andsaid，——"Imustcorrectyouall，gentlemen;Mr。YellowplushisnootherthanMr。Yellowplush：hegaveyou，mydearBullwig，yourlastglassofchampagneatdinner，andisnowaninmateofmyhouse，andanornamentofmykitchen！"
　　"Gad！"saysDoublejowl，"let’shavehimup。"
　　"Hear，hear！"saysBagwig。
　　"Ah，now，"saysLarner，"yourgraceisnotgoingtocallupandtalktoafootman，sure？Isitgintale？"
　　"Tosaytheleastofit，"saysBullwig，"thepwacticeisiwwegular，andindecowous;andIweallydon’tseehowtheinterviewcanbeinanywaypwofitable。"
　　Butthevicesofthecompanywentagainstthetwolitterymen，andeverybodyexcepthemwasforhavinguppoorme。Thebellwaswrung;butlercame。"SendupCharles，"saysmaster;andCharles，whowasstandingbehindtheskreand，waspersnlyabligedtocomein。
　　"Charles，"saysmaster，"Ihavebeentellingthesegentlemenwhoistheauthorofthe’YellowplushCorrespondence’inFraser’sMagazine。"
　　"It’sthebestmagazineinEurope，"saystheduke。
　　"Andnomistake，"saysmylord。
　　"Hwhat！"saysLarner;"andwhere’stheLitheraryChran？"
　　Isaidmyselfnothink，butmadeabough，andblushtlikepickle—
　　cabbitch。
　　"Mr。Yellowplush，"sayshisgrace，"willyou，inthefirstplace，drinkaglassofwine？"
　　Iboughedagin。
　　"Andwhatwinedoyouprefer，sir？humbleportorimperialburgundy？"
　　"Why，yourgrace，"saysI，"Iknowmyplace，andain’tabovekitchinwines。Iwilltakeaglassofport，anddrinkittothehealthofthishonrabblecompny。"
　　WhenI’dswiggedoffthebumper，whichhisgracehimselfdidmethehonortopouroutforme，therewasasilintsforaminnit;whenmymastersaid：——
　　"CharlesYellowplush，IhaveperusedyourmemoirsinFraser’sMagazinewithsomuchcuriosity，andhavesohighanopinionofyourtalentsasawriter，thatIreallycannotkeepyouasafootmananylonger，orallowyoutodischargedutiesforwhichyouarenowquiteunfit。Withallmyadmirationforyourtalents，Mr。
　　Yellowplush，Istillamconfidentthatmanyofyourfriendsintheservants’—hallwillcleanmybootsagreatdealbetterthanagentlemanofyourgeniuscaneverbeexpectedtodo——itisforthispurposeIemployfootmen，andnotthattheymaybewritingarticlesinmagazines。But——youneednotlooksored，mygoodfellow，andhadbettertakeanotherglassofport——Idon’twishtothrowyouuponthewideworldwithoutthemeansofalivelihood，andhavemadeinterestforalittleplacewhichyouwillhaveundergovernment，andwhichwillgiveyouanincomeofeightypoundsperannum;whichyoucandouble，Ipresume，byyourliterarylabors。"
　　"Sir，"saysI，claspingmyhands，andbustingintotears，"donot——
　　forheaven’ssake，donot！——thinkofanysuchthink，ordrivemefromyoursuvvice，becauseIhavebeenfoolenoughtowriteinmagaseens。Glansbutonemomentatyourhonor’splate——everyspoonisasbrightasamirror;condysendtoigsamineyourshoes——yourhonormayseereflectedinthemthefasesofeveryoneinthecompany。Iblackedthemshoes，Icleanedthatthereplate。IfoccasionallyI’veforgotthefootmaninthelitteraryman，andcommittedtopapermyremindicencesoffashnabblelife，itwasfromasinceredesiretodogood，andpromotenollitch：andIappealtoyourhonor，——Ilaymyhandonmybusm，andinthefaseofthisnoblecompanybegyoutosay，Whenyourungyourbell，whocametoyoufust？WhenyoustoptoutatBrooke’stillmorning，whosatupforyou？Whenyouwasill，whoforgotthenatraldignitiesofhisstation，andansweredthetwo—pairbell？Oh，sir，"saysI，"Iknowwhat’swhat;don’tsendmeaway。Iknowthemlitterychaps，and，beleaveme，I’dratherbeafootman。Thework’snotsohard——thepayisbetter：thevittelsincompyrablysupearor。Ihavebuttocleanmythings，andrunmyerrints，andyouputclothesonmyback，andmeatinmymouth。Sir！Mr。Bullwig！an’tIright？shallIquitMYstationandsink——thatistosay，rise——toYOURS？"
　　Bullwigwasviolentlyaffected;atearstoodinhisglisteningi。
　　"Yellowplush，"sayshe，seizingmyhand，"youAREright。Quitnotyourpresentoccupation;blackboots，cleanknives，wearplush，allyourlife，butdon’tturnliteraryman。Lookatme。IamthefirstnovelistinEurope。Ihaverangedwitheaglewingoverthewideregionsofliterature，andperchedoneveryeminenceinitsturn。Ihavegazedwitheagleeyesonthesunofphilosophy，andfathomedthemysteriousdepthsofthehumanmind。Alllanguagesarefamiliartome，allthoughtsareknowntome，allmenunderstoodbyme。IhavegatheredwisdomfromthehoneyedlipsofPlato，aswewanderedinthegardensofAcadames——wisdom，too，fromthemouthofJobJohnson，aswesmokedour’backyinSevenDials。
　　Suchmustbethestudies，andsuchisthemission，inthisworld，ofthePoet—Philosopher。Buttheknowledgeisonlyemptiness;theinitiationisbutmisery;theinitiated，amanshunnedandbann’dbyhisfellows。Oh，"saidBullwig，claspinghishands，andthrowinghisfinei’suptothechandelier，"thecurseofPwometheusdescendsuponhiswace。Wathandpunishmentpursuethemfromgenewationtogenewation！Wotogenius，theheaven—scaler，thefire—stealer！Woandthricebitterdesolation！EarthisthewockonwhichZeus，wemorseless，stwetcheshiswithingvictim——men，thevulturesthatfeedandfattenonhim。Ai，ai！itisagonyeternal——gwoaningandsolitawydespair！Andyou，Yellowplush，wouldpenetwatethesemystewies：youwouldwaisetheawfulveil，andstandinthetwemendousPwesence。Beware;asyouvalueyourpeace，beware！Withdwaw，washNeophyte！Forheaven’ssake——Oforheaven’ssake！——"herehelookedroundwithagony——givemeaglassofbwandy—and—water，forthisclawetisbeginningtodisagweewithme。"
　　Bullwighavingconcludedthisspitch，verymuchtohisownsattasfackshn，lookedroundtothecompnyforaplaws，andthenswiggedofftheglassofbrandy—and—water，givingasollumsighashetookthelastgulph;andthenDoctorIgnatius，wholongedforachans，and，inordertoshowhisindependence，beganflatlycontradictinghisfriend，addressedme，andtherestofthegenlmnpresent，inthefollowingmanner：——
　　"Harkye，"sayshe，"mygossoon，doan’tbeledasthraybythenonsinseofthatdivilofaBullwig。He’sjillousofye，mybhoy：
　　that’stherale，undoubtedthruth;andit’sonlytokeepyououtoflitherarylifethathe’spalaveringyouinthisway。I’lltellyouwhat——Plushyeblackguard，——myhonorablefrindthemimbertherehastoldmeahundertimesbythesmallestcomputation，ofhisintenseadmirationofyourtalents，andthewonderfulsthirtheyweremakingintheworld。Hecan’tbeararival。He’smadwithenvy，hatred，oncharatableness。Lookathim，Plush，andlookatme。Myfatherwasnotajukeexactly，noravenamarkis，andsee，nevertheliss，towhatapitchIamcome。Isparenoixpinse;I’mtheiditorofacopleofpariodicals;Idthriveaboutinmecarridge：Idinewidthelordsoftheland;andwhy——inthenameofthepiperthatpleedbeforeMosus，hwy？BecauseI’malitheraryman。BecauseIknowhowtoplaymecards。BecauseI’mDoctherLarner，infact，andmimberofeverysocietyinandoutofEurope。
　　ImighthaveremainedallmylifeinThrinityColledge，andnevermadesuchanincomasthatofferedyoubySirJan;butIcametoLondon——toLondon，myboy，andnowsee！LookagainatmefriendBullwig。HeISagentleman，tobesure，andbadluckto’im，sayI;andwhathasbeentheresultofhislitherarylabor？I’lltellyouwhat;andI’lltellthisgintalesociety，bytheshadeofSaintPatrick，they’regoingtomakehimaBARINET。"
　　"ABARNET，Doctor！"saysI;"youdon’tmeantosaythey’regoingtomakehimabarnet！"
　　"AssureasI’vemademeselfadocthor，"saysLarner。
　　"What，abaronet，likeSirJohn？"
　　"Thedivleabitelse。"
　　"Andpraywhatfor？"
　　"Whatfaw？"saysBullwig。"Askthehistowyoflitwatuwewhatfaw？
　　AskColburn，askBentley，askSaundersandOtley，askthegweatBwitishnation，whatfaw？Thebloodinmyveinscomespuwifiedthwoughtenthousandyearsofchivalwousancestwy;butthatisneitherherenorthere：mypoliticalprinciples——theequalwightswhichIhaveadvocated——thegweatcauseoffweedomthatIhavecelebwated，areknowntoall。Butthis，Iconfess，hasnothingtodowiththequestion。No，thequestionisthis——onthethwoneoflitewatureIstandunwivalled，pwe—eminent;andtheBwitishgovernment，honowinggeniusinme，complimentstheBwitishnationbyliftingintothebosomoftheheweditawynobility，themostgiftedmemberofthedemocwacy。"（Thehonrabblegenlmheresunkdownamidstrepeatedcheers。）
　　"SirJohn，"saysI，"andmylordduke，thewordsofmyrivrintfrendIgnatius，andtheremarksofthehonrabblegenlmnwhohasjustsatedown，havemademechangethedetumminationwhichIhadthehonorofigspressingjustnow。
　　"Iigsepttheeightypoundayear;knowingthatIshallaveplentyoftimeforpursuingmylitterycareer，andhopingsomedaytosetonthatsamebentchofbarranites，whichisdeckaratedbythepresntsofmyhonrabblefriend。
　　"WhyshoodenI？It’strewIain’tdoneanythinkasYETtodeservesuchanhonor;andit’sveryprobablethatInevershall。Butwhatthen？——quawdong，asourfriendssay？I’dmuchraytherhaveacoat—of—armsthanacoatoflivry。I’dmuchraytherhavemyblud—
　　redhandspralinkinthemiddleofashield，thanunderneathatea—
　　tray。AbarranitIwillbe;and，inconsiquints，mustceasetobeafootmin。
　　"Astomypolitticleprincepills，these，Iconfess，ain’tsettled：
　　theyare，Iknow，necessary;buttheyain’tnecessaryUNTILASKT
　　FOR;besides，IreglarreadtheSattaristnewspaper，andsoignirinceonthispintwouldbeinigscusable。
　　"Butifonemancangittobeadoctor，andanotherabarranit，andanotheracaptinginthenavy，andanotheracountess，andanotherthewifeofagovernoroftheCapeofGoodHope，Ibegintoperseavethatthelitterytradeain’tsuchaverybadun;
　　igspeciallyifyou’reuptosnough，andknowwhat’so’clock。I’lllearntomakemyselfusefle，inthefustplace;thenI’lllarntospell;and，Itrust，byreadingthenovvlesofthehonrabblemember，andthescientaficktreatisesesofthereverenddoctor，I
　　mayfindthesecritofsuxess，andgitalitellformyownshare。
　　I’vesevralfrendsinthepress，havingpaidformanyofthosechaps’drink，andgiventhemothertreets;andsoIthinkI’vegotalltheemilentsofsuxess;therefore，Iamdetummined，asIsaid，toigseptyourkindoffer，andbegtowithdrawthewudswhichI
　　madeyousofwhenIrefyousedyourhoxpatableoffer。Imust，however——"
　　"Iwishyou’dwithdrawyourself，"saidSirJohn，burstingintoamostigstrorinaryrage，"andnotinterruptthecompanywithyourinfernaltalk！Godown，andgetuscoffee：and，harkye！holdyourimpertinenttongue，orI’llbreakeveryboneinyourbody。YoushallhavetheplaceasIsaid;andwhileyou’reinmyservice，youshallbemyservant;butyoudon’tstayinmyserviceafterto—
　　morrow。Godownstairs，sir;anddon’tstandstaringhere！"……
　　Inthisabruptway，myeveningended;it’swithamelancholyregretthatIthinkwhatcameofit。Idon’twearplushanymore。Iamanaltered，awiser，and，Itrust，abetterman。
　　I’maboutanovvle（havingmadegreatprogrissinspelling），inthestyleofmyfriendBullwig;andpreparingforpubligation，intheDoctor’sCyclopedear，"TheLivesofEminentBritishandForingWosherwomen。"
　　SKIMMINGSFROM"THEDAIRYOFGEORGEIV。"
　　CHARLESYELLOWPLUSH，ESQ，TOOLIVERYORKE，ESQ。*
　　DEARWHY，——TakinadvantageoftheCrismissholydays，SirJohnandme（whoisamemberofparlyment）hadgonedowntoourplaceinYorkshireforsixwicks，toshootgrowsandwoodcox，andenjoyoldEnglishhospitalaty。ThisuglyCanadybisnissunluckalyputanendtooursportsinthecountry，andbrotusuptoBucklySquareasfastasfourpostersescouldgallip。Whenthere，Ifoundyourparcel，containingthetwovollumesofanewbook;which，asIhavebeenawayfromtheliteraryworld，andempliedsolelyinathlaticexorcises，havebeenlayingneglectedinmypantry，amongmyknife—
　　cloaths，anddekanters，andblacking—bottles，andbed—roomcandles，andthings。
　　*TheseMemoirswereoriginallypublishedinFraser’sMagazine，anditmaybestatedforthebenefitoftheunlearnedinsuchmatters，that"OliverYorke"istheassumednameoftheeditorofthatperiodical。
　　Thiswill，I’msure，accountformydelayinnotussingthework。
　　Iseesefralofthepapersandmagazeenshavebeenbefoarhandwithme，andhavegiventheirapinionsconcerningit：speciallytheQuotlyRevew，whichhasmostmussilesslycuttopeasestheauthorofthisDairyoftheTimesofGeorgeIV。*
　　*DiaryillustrativeoftheTimesofGeorgetheFourth，interspersedwithOriginalLettersfromthelateQueenCaroline，andfromvariousotherdistinguishedPersons。
　　"Totoutard，toutsescait。"——MAINTENON。
　　In2vols。London，1838。HenryColburn。
　　Thatit’sawomanwhowroteitisevydentfromthestyleofthewriting，aswellasfromcertainproofsinthebookitself。MostsuttnlyafemailwrotethisDairy;butwhothisDairy—maidmaybe，I，incoarse，can’tconjecter：andindeed，commongalliantryforbidsmetoask。Icanonlyjudgeofthebookitself;which，itappearstome，isclearlytrenchinguponmygroundandfavritesubjicks，viz。fashnabblelife，asigsibitedinthehousesofthenobility，gentry，andrilefammly。
　　ButIbarenomallis——infamationisinfamation，anditdoesn’tmatterwheretheinfamycomesfrom;andwhethertheDairybefromthatdistinguishedpentowhichitisornarilyattributed——whether，Isay，itcomesfromaladyofhonortothelatequean，orasculliontothatdiffunctmajisty，nomatter：allweaskisnollidge;nevermindhowwehaveit。Nollidge，asourcooksays，isliketrikel—possit——it’salwaysgood，thoughyouwastodrinkitoutofanoldshoo。
　　Well，then，althoughthisDairyislikelysearuslytoinjurmypussonalintrests，byfourstallingadealofwhatIhadtosayinmyprivatememoars——thoughmany，manyguineas，istakenfrommypockit，bycuttinshortthetailofmynarratif——thoughmuchthatI
　　hadtosayinsouperiorlanguidge，greasedwithalltheellyganceofmyorytory，thebenefickofmyclassclereading，thechawmsofmyagreblewit，isthusabruplybrotbefortheworldbyaninferiorgenus，neitherknowingnorwritingEnglish;yetIsay，thatneverthelessImustsay，whatIampufficklyprepairedtosay，togainsaywhichnomancansayaword——yetIsay，thatIsayI
　　considerthispublicationwelkom。Farfromviewingitwithenfy，I
　　greetitwithapplaws;becauseitincreasesthatmostexlentspeciousofnollidge，Imean"FASHNABBLENOLLIDGE："compayredtowitchallothernollidgeisnonsince——abagofgooldtoapareofsnuffers。
　　CouldLordBroom，ontheCanadyquestion，saymoar？orsaywhathehadtusaybetter？Wearemarters，bothofus，toprinsple;andeverybodywhoknowseatherknowsthatwewouldsacraficeanythinkratherthanthat。FashionisthegoddissIadoar。Thisdelightfulworkisanoffringonhersrine;andassichallherwushippersareboundtohailit。Hereisnotaquestionoftrumprylordsandhonrabbles，generalsandbarronites，butthecrownitself，andthekingandqueen’sactions;witchmaybeconsideredasthecrownjewels。Here’sprinces，andgrand—dukesandairsparent，andheavenknowswhat;allwithblood—royalintheirveins，andtheirnamesmentionedintheveryfustpageofthepeeridge。InthisbookyoubecomesointmatewiththePrinceofWales，thatyoumayfollowhim，ifyouplease，tohismarridge—bed：or，ifyoupreferthePrincissCharlotte，youmayhavewithheranhour’stator—tator。*
　　*Ourestimablecorrespondentmeans，wepresume，tete—a—tete。——O。Y。
　　Now，thoughmostoftheremarkableextraxfromthisbookhavebeengivenalready（thecreamoftheDairy，asIwittilysay，）Ishalltroubleyou，nevertheless，withafew;partlybecausetheycan’tberepeatedtoooften，andbecausethetoanofobsyvationwithwhichtheyhavebeengenrallyreceivedbythepress，isnotigsacklysuchasIthinktheymerit。How，indeed，canthesecommonmagaseenandnewspaperpippleknowanythinkoffashnabblelife，letaloneryal？
　　Conseaving，then，thatthepublicationoftheDairyhasdonereelgoodonthisscoar，andmayproblydoadealmoor，Ishalllookthroughit，fortheporpusofselectingthemostellygantpassidges，andwhichIthinkmaybepeculiarlyadaptedtothereader’sbenefick。
　　Foryousee，mydearMr。Yorke，thatinthefustplace，thatthisisnocommoncatchpnybook，likethatofmostauthorsandauthoresses，whowriteforthebaselookerofgain。Heavenblessyou！theDairy—maidisaboveanythingmusnary。Sheisawomanofrank，andnomistake;andisasmuchabovedoinacommonorvulgaractionasIamsuperaortotakingbeerafterdinnerwithmycheese。
　　Sheprovesthatmostsatisfackarily，asweseeinthefollowingpassidge：——
　　"Herroyalhighnesscametome，andhavingspokenafewphrasesondifferentsubjects，producedallthepapersshewishestohavepublished：herwholecorrespondencewiththeprincerelativetoLadyJ———’sdismissal;hissubsequentneglectoftheprincess;and，finally，theacquittalofhersupposedguilt，signedbytheDukeofPortland，&c。，atthetimeofthesecretinquiry：when，ifproofcouldhavebeenbroughtagainsther，itcertainlywouldhavebeendone;andwhichacquittal，tothedisgraceofallpartiesconcerned，aswellastothejusticeofthenationingeneral，wasnotmadepublicatthetime。Acommoncriminalispubliclycondemnedoracquitted。Herroyalhighnesscommandedmetohavetheseletterspublishedforthwith，saying，’Youmaysellthemforagreatsum。’
　　Atfirst（forshehadspokentomebeforeconcerningthisbusiness），Ithoughtofavailingmyselfoftheopportunity;butuponsecondthoughts，Iturnedfromthisideawithdetestation：for，ifIdowrongbyobeyingherwishesandendeavoringtoserveher，Iwilldosoatleastfromgoodanddisinterestedmotives，notfromanysordidviews。Theprincesscommandsme，andIwillobeyher，whatevermaybetheissue;butnotforfareorfee。IownItremble，notsomuchformyself，asfortheideathatsheisnottakingthebestandmostdignifiedwayofhavingthesepaperspublished。Whymakeasecretofitatall？Ifwrong，itshouldnotbedone;ifrightitshouldbedoneopenly，andinthefaceofherenemies。Inherroyalhighness’scase，asinthatofwrongedprincesingeneral，whydotheyshrinkfromstraightforwarddealings，andratherhaverecoursetocrookedpolicy？Iwish，inthisparticularinstance，Icouldmakeherroyalhighnessfeelthus：butsheisnaturallyindignantatbeingfalselyaccused，andwillnotcondescendtoanavowedexplanation。"
　　Cananythinkbemorejustandhonrabblethanthis？TheDairy—ladyisquitefairandabovebored。Aclearstage，saysshe，andnofavior！"Iwon’tdobehindmybackwhatIamashamedofbeforemyface：notI！"Nomoreshedoes;foryouseethat，thoughshewasofferedthismanyscripbytheprincessFORNOTHINK，thoughsheknewthatshecouldactiallygetforitalargesumofmoney，shewasaboveit，likeanhonest，noble，grateful，fashnabblewoman，asshewas。Sheaboarssecrecy，andneverwillhaverecorstodisguiseorcrookidpolacy。ThisoughttobeanansuretothemRADICLE
　　SNEERERS，whopretendthattheyaretheequalsoffashnabblepepple;wherasit’sawell—knownfact，thatthevulgarroagueshavenonotionofhonor。
　　Andafterthispositifdeclaration，whichreflexhonoronherladyship（longlifetoher！I’veoftenwaitedbehindherchair！）——
　　afterthispositifdeclaration，that，evenfortheporpusofDEFENDINGhermissis，shewassohi—mindedastorefuseanythinklikeapeculiarlyconsideration，itisactiallyassertedinthepublicprintsbyabooxeller，thathehasgivenherATHOUSAND
　　POUNDfortheDairy。Athousandpound！nonsince！——it’saphigment！
　　abaselible！Thiswomantakeathousandpound，inamatterwhereherdearmistriss，friend，andbenyfactrisswasconcerned！Never！
　　Athousandbaggonitswouldbemoreprefrabbletoawomanofherxqizzitfeelinsandfashion。
　　Buttoproseed。It’sbeenobjectedtome，whenIwrotesomeofmyexpearuncesinfashnabblelife，thatmylanguidgewasoccasionallyvulgar，andnotsuchasisgenrallyusedinthoseexqizzitfamlieswhichIfrequent。Now，I’lllayawagerthatthereisinthisbook，wroteasalltheworldknows，byarelelady，andspeakinofkingsandqueensasiftheywereascommonassand—boys——thereisinthisbookmorewulgaritythaneverIdisplayed，morenastinessthaneverIwoulddareTOTHINKON，andmorebadgrammarthaneverIwrotesinceIwasaboyatschool。Asforauthografy，evrygenlmnhashisown：nevermindspellin，Isay，solongasthesenceisright。
　　Letmeherequotaletterfromacorryspondentofthischarmingladyofhonor;andaverynicecorryspondentheis，too，withoutanymistake：
　　"LadyO———，poorLadyO———！knowstherulesofprudence，Ifearme，asimperfectlyasshedoththoseoftheGreekandLatinGrammars：
　　orshehathletherbrother，whoisasadswine，becomemasterofhersecrets，andthencontrivedtoquarrelwithhim。Youwouldseetheoutlineofthemelangeinthenewspapers;butnotthereportthatMr。S———isabouttopublishapamphlet，asanadditiontotheHarleianTracts，settingforththeamatoryadventuresofhissister。Weshallbreakournecksinhastetobuyit，ofcoursecrying’Shameful’allthewhile;anditissaidthatLadyO———istobecut，whichIcannotentirelybelieve。Lethertelltwoorthreeoldwomenabouttownthattheyareyoungandhandsome，andgivesomewell—timedparties，andshemaystillkeepthesocietywhichshehathbeenusedto。Thetimesarenotsohardastheyoncewere，whenawomancouldnotconstrueMagnaChartawithanythinglikeimpunity。Peoplewerefullasgallantmanyyearsago。Butthedaysaregonebywhereinmylord—protectorofthecommonwealthofEnglandwaswonttogoalovemakingtoMrs。
　　Fleetwood，withtheBibleunderhisarm。
　　"AndsoMissJackyGordonisreallyclothedwithahusbandatlast，andMissLauraMannersleftwithoutamate！SheandLordStairshouldmarryandhavechildreninmererevenge。AstoMissGordon，she’saVenuswellsuitedforsuchaVulcan，——whomnothingbutmoneyandatitlecouldhaverenderedtolerable，eventoakitchenwench。Itissaidthatthematrimonialcorrespondencebetweenthiscoupleistobepublished，fullofsadscandalousrelations，ofwhichyoumaybesurescarcelyawordistrue。Informertimes，theDuchessofSt。A———smadeuseoftheseelegantepistlesinordertointimidateLadyJohnstone：butthatrusewouldnotavail;
　　soinspite，theyaretobeprinted。Whatacargoofamiablecreatures！YetwillsomepeoplescarcelybelieveintheexistenceofPandemonium。
　　"TuesdayMorning。——Youareperfectlyrightrespectingthehotroomshere，whichweallcryoutagainst，andallfindverycomfortable——
　　muchmoresothanthecoldsandsandbleakneighborhoodofthesea;
　　whichlooksvastlywellinoneofVanderVelde’spictureshunguponcrimsondamask，buthideousandshockinginreality。H———andhis’elle’（talkingofparties）werelastnightatCholmondeleyHouse，butseemnottoripenintheirlove。Heiscertainlygood—humored，andIbelieve，good—hearted，sodeservesagoodwife;buthiscaraseemsagenuineLondonmissmadeupofmanyaffectations。Willsheformacomfortablehelpmate？Forme，Ilikenotherorigin，anddeemmanystrangethingstoruninblood，besidesmadnessandtheHanoverianevil。
　　"Thursday。——IverilydobelievethatIshallnevergettotheendofthissmallsheetofpaper，somanyunheardofinterruptionshaveIhad;andnowIhavebeentoVauxhall，andcaughtthetoothache。
　　IwasofLadyE。B———mandH———’sparty：verydull——theLadygivingusallasupperafterourpromenade——
　　’Muchadowasthere，GodwotShewouldlove，buthewouldnot。’
　　Heateagreatdealofice，althoughhedidnotseemtorequireit：
　　andshe’faisoitlesyeuxdoux’enoughnotonlytohavemeltedalltheicewhichheswallowed，buthisownhardheartintothebargain。Thethingwillnotdo。Inthemeantime，MissLonghathbecomequitecrueltoWellesleyPole，anddividesherfavorequallybetweenLordsKilleenandKilworth，twoassimpleIrishmenasevergavebirthtoabull。IwishtoHymenthatshewerefairlymarried，forallthispothergivesoneadisgustingpictureofhumannature。"
　　Adisgustingpicturofhumannature，indeed——andisn’thewhomoralizesaboutit，andshetowhomhewrites，acoupleofprettyheadsinthesamepiece？Which，Mr。Yorke，isthewust，thescandleorthescandle—mongers？Seewhatitistobeamoralmanoffashn。Fust，hescrapestogitherallthebadstoariesaboutallthepeopleofhisacquentance——hegoestoaball，andlaffsorsnearsateverybodythere——heisaskedtoadinner，andbringsaway，alongwithmeatandwinetohisheart’scontent，asourstomickfilledwithnastystoriesofallthepeoplepresentthere。
　　Hehassuchasqueamishappytite，thatalltheworldseemstoDISAGREEwithhim。Andwhathashegottosaytohisdelicatefemalefrend？Whythat——
　　Fust。Mr。S。isgoingtopublishindescentstoariesaboutLadyO———，hissister，whicheverybody’sgointoby。
　　Nex。ThatMissGordonisgoingtobecloathedwithanusband;andthatalltheirmatrimonialcorryspondinsistobepublishedtoo。
　　3。ThatLordH。isgoingtobemarried;butthere’ssomethingronginhiswife’sblood。
　　4。MissLonghascutMr。Wellesley，andisgoneaftertwoIrishlords。
　　Woodenyouphancy，now，thattheauthorofsuchaletter，insteadofwritinaboutpippleoftip—topqualaty，wasdescribinVinegarYard？Wouldyoubeleavethattheladyhewasa—ritintowasachased，modistladyofhonor，andmotherofafamly？Otrumpery！
　　Omorris！asHomersays：thisisahigeouspicturofmanners，suchasIweaptothinkof，asevrymorlmanmustweap。
　　Theaboveisoneprittypicturofmearlyfashnabblelife：whatfollowsisaboutfamiliesevenhighersituatedthanthemostfashnabble。Herewehavetheprincessregient，herdaughterthePrincessSharlot，hergrandmammatheoldquean，andhermadjisty’sdaughtersthetwoprincesses。Ifthisisnothighlife，Idon’tknowwhereitistobefound;andit’spleasingtoseewhataffeckshnandharmnyrainsinsuchanexoltedspear。
　　"Sunday24th。——Yesterday，theprincesswenttomeetthePrincessCharlotteatKensington。Lady————toldmethat，whenthelatterarrived，sherusheduptohermother，andsaid，’ForGod’ssake，beciviltoher，’meaningtheDuchessofLeeds，whofollowedher。
　　Lady————saidshefeltsorryforthelatter;butwhenthePrincessofWalestalkedtoher，shesoonbecamesofreeandeasy，thatonecouldnothaveanyFEELINGaboutherFEELINGS。PrincessCharlotte，Iwastold，waslookinghandsome，verypale，butherheadmorebecominglydressed，——thatistosay，lessdressedthanusual。Herfigureisofthatfullroundshapewhichisnowinitsprime;butshedisfiguresherselfbywearingherbodicesoshort，thatsheliterallyhasnowaist。Herfeetareverypretty;andsoareherhandsandarms，andherears，andtheshapeofherhead。Hercountenanceisexpressive，whensheallowsherpassionstoplayuponit;andIneversawanyface，withsolittleshade，expresssomanypowerfulandvariedemotions。Lady————toldmethatthePrincessCharlottetalkedtoherabouthersituation，andsaid，inaveryquiet，butdeterminedway，sheWOULDNOTBEARIT，andthatassoonasparliamentmet，sheintendedtocometoWarwickHouse，andremainthere;thatshewasalsodeterminednottoconsidertheDuchessofLeedsasherGOVERNESSbutonlyasherFIRSTLADY。Shemademanyobservationsonotherpersonsandsubjects;andappearstobeveryquick，verypenetrating，butimperiousandwilful。
　　Thereisatoneofromance，too，inhercharacter，whichwillonlyservetomisleadher。
　　"ShetoldhermotherthattherehadbeenagreatbattleatWindsorbetweenthequeenandtheprince，theformerrefusingtogiveupMissKnightfromherownpersontoattendonPrincessCharlotteassub—governess。Buttheprince—regenthadgonetoWindsorhimself，andinsistedonherdoingso;andthe’oldBeguin’wasforcedtosubmit，buthasbeenilleversince：andSirHenryHalforddeclareditwasacompletebreakingupofherconstitution——tothegreatdelightofthetwoprincesses，whoweretalkingaboutthisaffair。
　　MissKnightwastheverypersontheywishedtohave;theythinktheycandoastheylikewithher。IthasbeenorderedthatthePrincessCharlotteshouldnotseehermotheraloneforasinglemoment;butthelatterwentintoherroom，stuffedapairoflargeshoesfullofpapers，andhavinggiventhemtoherdaughter，shewenthome。Lady————toldmeeverythingwaswrittendownandsenttoMr。BroughamNEXTDAY。"
　　Seewhatdiscordwillcreapevenintothebestregulatedfamlies。
　　Herearesixof’em——viz。，thequeanandhertwodaughters，herson，andhiswifeanddaughter;andthemannerinwhichtheyhateoneanotherisacompleatpuzzle。
　　{hismother。
　　ThePrincehates……{hiswife。
　　{hisdaughter。
　　PrincessCharlottehatesherfather。
　　PrincessofWaleshatesherhusband。
　　Theoldquean，bytheirsquobbles，isonthepintofdeath;andhertwojewtifuldaughtersaredelightedatthenews。Whatahappy，fashnabble，Christianfamly！OMr。Yorke，Mr。Yorke，ifthisisthewayinthedrawin—rooms，I’mquitecontenttolivebelow，inpeaseandcharatywithallmen;writin，asIamnow，inmypantry，orelshavinaquietgameatcardsintheservants—all。WithUS
　　there’snobitter，wicked，quarlingofthissort。WEdon’thateourchildren，orbullyourmothers，orwish’emdedwhenthey’resick，asthisDairywomansayskingsandqueensdo。Whenwe’rewritingtoourfriendsorsweethearts，WEdon’tfillourletterswithnastystoaries，takinawaythecarricterofourfellow—
　　servants，asthismaidofhonor’samusin’moralfrenddoes。But，incoarse，it’snotforustojudgeofourbetters;——thesegreatpeopleareasupeerurrace，andwecan’tcomprehendtheirways。
　　Doyourecklect——it’stwentyyearsagonow——howabewtiffleprincessdiedingivinbuthtoapoarbaby，andhowthewholenationofHenglandwep，asthoughitwasoneman，overthatsweetwomanandchild，inwhichweresenteredthehopesofeveryoneofus，andofwhicheachwasasproudasofhisownwifeorinfnt？Doyourecklecthowporefellowsspenttheirlastshillintobuyablackcrapefortheirhats，andclergymencriedinthepulpit，andthewholecountrythroughwasnobetterthanagreatdismalfuneral？Doyourecklet，Mr。Yorke，whowasthepersonthatwealltookonsoabout？WecalledherthePrincisSharlotofWales;andwevalyoudasingledropofherbloodmorethanthewholeheartlessbodyofherfather。Well，welookeduptoherasakindofsaintorangle，andblestGod（suchfoolishloyalEnglishpippleaswewareinthosedays）whohadsentthissweetladytoruleoverus。
　　Butheavenblessyou！itwasonlysouperstition。Shewasnobetterthansheshouldbe，asitturnsout——oratleasttheDairy—maidsaysso。Nobetter？——ifmydaughtersoryourswas1/2sobad，we’dasleafbedeadourselves，andtheyhanged。Butlistentothisprittycharritablestory，andatrucetoreflexshuns：——
　　"Sunday，January，9，1814。——Yesterday，accordingtoappointment，I
　　wenttoPrincessCharlotte。FoundatWarwickHousetheharp—
　　player，Dizzi;wasaskedtoremainandlistentohisperformance，butwastalkedtoduringthewholetime，whichcompletelypreventedallpossibilityoflisteningtothemusic。TheDuchessofLeedsandherdaughterwereintheroom，butleftitsoon。NextarrivedMissKnight，whoremainedallthetimeIwasthere。PrincessCharlottewasverygracious——showedmeallherbonnydyes，asB———
　　wouldhavecalledthem——pictures，andcases，andjewels，&c。Shetalkedinaverydesultoryway，anditwouldbedifficulttosayofwhat。Sheobservedhermotherwasinverylowspirits。Iaskedherhowshesupposedshecouldbeotherwise？ThisQUESTIONING
　　answersavesagreatdealoftrouble，andservestwopurposes——i。e。